Greetings!

I’ve missed you all!

While fasting the computer, I kept a journal.  Several entries consist of plans, struggles and mistakes.  Challenges beyond even my own understanding occurred.  I realized that my problem consisted more with distraction from real life – and the computer did just that.  Whenever I was bored, tired, cranky, stressed, and even hungry, I would desire to turn on the computer.  I longed to watch a movie/show… to do anything to take from the responsibilities around me that I had been avoiding for so long.

Laundry got tackled, reorganization occurred, relationships established, and most importantly I grew in Christ and spent time with Him.  I failed throughout most of the fast… but I did accomplish this – I saw where the problem lied.  I saw what my hindrance is and now I know what I must do.  Even with how hard it is.

I am committing myself to a partial fast.  I am trusting that though it will be difficult, God will help me through it as He did over the 40 days leading up to Easter.  I have found that I can’t do it for me or even my family.  It is only for Him that I was able to succeed.  I must do it for Him again.

I share this with all of you in hopes to be strengthened by the accountability and prayers of my brothers and sisters in Christ.  In my weakness His strength is revealed!  I will not be on the computer except for Fridays.  I will continue to keep a journal and share with you my troubles, prayer requests, and praise reports.  I thank you all for your friendship and love!

I have several praises!  God is so good and I am blessed to have seen Him at work in my life.

After an awful and lonesome day about 11 or so days into my fast, I fell at the feet of Jesus.  He gave me a fresh start and showed me in the Word that though a righteous man may fall, he will rise (Proverbs 24:16).  Praise God!

My children and I spent time with one another and played, talked, learned, and enjoyed each other.  Though I fell many times… I kept rising in the name of Jesus! Praise God!

After coming to a place of repentance for secret sins in my life and confessing them to God and those who I’m closest with, I was forgiven!  I rose!  Praise God!

During my fast, after many prayers of friends who lived closer by who I could glean from in the way of which He has been leading us, I received a phone call from a woman who had moved to my area a year ago with her husband and two sons.  They found us on a fellowship directory that was established to help like-minded Christians find others who lived nearby.  They are an experienced homeschooling family who share our Christian faith, family values, marriage roles, child raising, and political views.  I look forward to getting to know them more!  Praise God!

Our new friends suggested and lent us the book “To Train Up a Child” by Debi and Michael Pearl and once I started it, I could not put it down.  I have since (though I’ve fallen, I’ve gotten back up!) seen many changes in the relationship of my children with my husband and I once we started implementing the training we got!  Praise God!

Another book suggested was “Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons” and we’ve begun teaching our girls to read.  They’ve enjoyed it and it’s been such an encouragement on this task of raising and educating our children as the Lord leads us to. Praise God!

Without sharing too personal of information, the Lord has brought back into my life several women who have fallen in the wayside over the last year and more!  It was after my decision to fast the computer that God used me to give scriptural strength to a woman against fear of the unknown, comfort and forgiveness to a mother who aborted her baby, as well as a new confidence and hope for a mother of three  in training her children, and who knows how else the Lord is moving/has moved!  I look forward to seeing what else He has in store for me! Praise God!

I am looking for every opportunity to share Jesus, something that I’ve not done as much as I should have been prior to my fast.  I want to speak only by the Lord’s leading and with only His words on my tongue.  Lord I pray that You would give me the words to speak!  In the authority of Jesus!

And so I leave you with the update of the past month and a half.  My prayer is that God would keep in my remembrance… and that I would purpose myself to remember… that I must smile always, speak softly, share the love of Jesus, and pray without ceasing!  In this, only His glory will shine forth!!

Praise God!

The Journey Ahead…

The Lord is moving and though I can’t quite explain it, I feel a change ocurring in me.  Over the last couple of years, I’ve become angry and so angry that a recent prayer was that the Lord would give me the compassion I once had – once prayed to remove because of the hurt that comes with it.  With compassion comes tears – with empathy comes torment – but with it comes emotion and love.  Anger feels like the removal of care.  It was a harboring of indifference and emptiness.  I longed to care but couldn’t and that was more frightening than the overwhelming compassion I once felt that broke my heart so many times.

The Lord knows what He’s doing, and I am so thankful that He’s shown me why He made me who I am.  He’s softening my heart again after it’s been hard for a long time.  It’s vulnerable and delicate and fragile right now, but strong at the same time.  I know why it’s that way now and I don’t want to change that for anything.  With love comes hurts, but without love … it’s just plain lonely.

Anger can overpower the very thing God made to set us apart from others.  My compassion for the unlovable people in the world that has often left me feeling lonely and sad is not a weakness but a strength that makes me more Christ-like.

He wept.  Now I understand.

Thank You, Lord, for who You’ve made me.  It’s been hard accepting what I’ve perceived to be weakness but it’s the very thing in me that you’ve used to reveal YOUR love through.  It’s not about me, Lord.  Thank you… thank You that I’m not alone in this and that You speak to me and are here.  I can’t do any of this without You.  It’s impossible.  Continue to be with me and don’t leave my side.  Thank You.  Thank You. Father… Daddy – thank You.

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. James 1:19-21

You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:7-17

A Forty Day Fast

This year’s season of Lent begins on February 25, 2009 on Ash Wednesday.  It consists of a forty day journey of prayer, preparation, and reflection in celebration of Christ’s resurrection.  The climax of the forty days is that of the week prior to Easter which includes Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and the conclusion on the Sabbath.  This week is often referred to as “Holy Week”.

Since Sundays celebrate the resurrection of Jesus, the six Sundays that occur during Lent are not counted as part of the 40 days of Lent, and are referred to as the Sundays in Lent.

The number 40 is connected with many biblical events, but especially with the forty days Jesus spent in the wilderness preparing for His ministry by facing the temptations that could lead Him to abandon His mission and calling.

Some churches today observe fasting during lent and often choose things in their lives that are highly important to them and replace it with time in the Word, prayer, and being in God’s presence.

Lent begins on Ash Wednesday, which is symbolic to the mourning and sorrow that sin brings into the world.  It brings us to the place to remember the consequences of sin.  It is a day in which we are to reflect on what needs to change in our lives.

Maundy Thursday commemorates four events: Jesus washing the Disciple’s feet, the Last Supper, Christ’s burden in the Garden of Gethsemane, and the betrayal by Judas Iscariot.  Good Friday commemorates Christ’s Crucifixion and His death at Golgotha.  And Holy Saturday commemorates Christ’s time in the tomb and His descension to Hell.

What I’ve chosen to do during this time of year of reflection and penitence is fast something that’s consumed most of my time, energy, mind and/or attention.  One year I chose not drink anything other than water, while another I fasted chocolate.  Both played a part in transforming my mind (and my habits) because instead of spending the time consuming those things, I spent time talking with God.

These things may seem silly or like no big deal to not partake – but for me, drinking water had always been a struggle while soda was my alcohol and chocolate my heroin.  These things in my life are no longer the stumbling block that they used to be, with Christ I’ve learned to moderate their consumption.

This year, I have chosen to fast the computer.  My computer usage includes watching movies and tv shows; checking my email, myspace and facebook; blogging and reading blogs; playing games; managing bills and our netflix account; studying; and miscellaneous surfing of the web.  It consumes most of my time during the week.

For the next week I’ll be preparing for the fast and on the 25th I’ll begin.  I will be journaling (the old fashioned way hah) and will update all of you after the 40 days have ended.

Your prayers are always welcome.  Especially requested during this time.  I know I have a problem with my computer use… I am online throughout the day, all day and can see this being the hardest fast for me so far.

During this Lenten season, I come before the Lord and all of you in humility, willing to confess that I’m a sinner.  I have idols over God and Christ continues to move in me to eliminate them from my life.  Lord, may this be a new beginning of healing in my life for which I have never experienced before.

O Lord, move. Within me; here and now.

The Carnal Nature

While doing my devotions last night I got to thinking about “the carnal nature” and how it can be spotted in ourselves and the result was a rebuke from the Lord!

Carnal is from sarx; pertaining to flesh, i.e. (by extension) bodily, temporal, or (by implication) animal, unregenerate — carnal, fleshly.  This is as opposed to the soul or the spirit which would also be known as “human nature”.

The carnal nature seeks to defend the fortress of self-will.  The motive is personal gain (as well as avoidance of personal loss) and causes injustice and wickedness among God’s people.

How do we guard against carnality in our own lives?  We must keep our spirits tender before God and pray that our heart and ears are open and obedient to God’s voice.

Am I impudent?  Am I hard-hearted?  Unfortunately, I have been.  Thankfully, it is in Christ that we are given strength against the enemies around us.  I am not to be afraid nor dismayed because of Who’s on my side!

I am to STOP being rebellious and stubborn.

I am to walk in FAITH and VICTORY!

I am to SPEAK God’s Word with my children.

I am to let the message become my LIFE.

I am to eat the Word of God and ALLOW IT TO NOURISH my soul, mind, and body with its nutrients.

I am to GET INTO THE WORD and let it GET INTO ME!!!

God is so good.  Only He could tell me I’ve been selfish, rebellious and stubborn as gracefully as He just did.    Thank You, Lord!

Hissy Fits

We’ve all had at least one in our lifetime… you know the kind – the self-focused, self-centered, self-reliant reactions when things go other than what we’d prefer.

These hissy fits are also seen in the Bible. The Bible is a story of the light in the world… God working through people just like you and I… imperfect, selfish, immature people who are leaning on Him to change them day in and day out.

Cain had a hissy fit. When he fell short of the mark with his sacrifice, he had a hissy fit and killed his brother. He even talked back at God saying “Am I my brother’s keeper?” Cain was selfish and his pride was damaged when God showed favor for the obedience of his brother.

Potiphar’s wife had a hissy fit when Joseph wouldn’t sleep with her. She must have been humiliated when he refused because she shouted for help and accused him of attempting to rape her.

Jonah had a hissy fit when God instructed him to share God’s love with Ninevah. He saw them as evil and assumed to know better than God.

The story is the same for the prodigal son, the rich young man, Martha, and so on.

We’ve all poorly reacted at one point or another. The consequence is greater than having to admit our mistake (though that can be quite difficult). When we have hissy fits toward God, and His will for our lives, we reap grief and only grief.

Cain, in his jealousy, pride, shame, and rage, killed his brother.  His hissy fit was over his brother being a goody too-shoo, a show off, a suck up, or whatever other term people get labeled for doing the right thing.  The consequence?  He was to be a restless wanderer all of the remaining days of his life.

Potiphar’s wife had her hissy fit due to Joseph’s refusal to sin against God.  This type of hissy fit was triggered by humiliation, offense, and rejection.  Such a consequence to follow was most likely shame and guilt.

Then there is Jonah, a man who loved God and hated all that was against Him.  Including Ninevah.  He had his very own hissy fit when God saved the nation when it repented, even after its evil acts of idol worship.  This type of  hissy fit was driven by confusion, self-righteousness, and arrogance.  What was to follow?  Disappointment and more confusion.

When we assume to know more than God, we’ll be disappointed with the results every time. We’ll be confused, consumed with guilt, frustrated, filled with shame, and/or feeling lost and wandering aimlessly through life. We don’t know everything.  Even when we know what we know, we still don’t know the half of it!  God’s design – His awesome creation is so much more elaborate than we can understand.  It is in our hissy fits that we express an arrogance – a sense of entitlement – as if we’ve somehow earned this land, this life, this love from God.

Instead of being so foolish and lifting ourselves up, we need to let GOD do leading. We need to trust and follow… it doesn’t always have to make sense… and sometimes we’ll be shown what it all means.

Every one of our stories is going to look different. We all have different personalities, different struggles, and different influences around us in our daily lives. One story might be the demanding wife, throwing a hissy fit that her husband isn’t stepping up to the plate. Another might be the lonely man who is looking in all the wrong places for love. Or the teenager who just needs to get away and doesn’t wait for God’s perfect timing to save them.

These are all heartbreaking for God. God is not standing by and doing nothing. He’s moving! It is in our impatience and self-reliance that we tend to throw a hissy fit and attempt to take care of it ourselves… and because we’re driven by self and our temporary emotions the results are not going to be as satisfying as we might think in that moment. Only when we are driven by the love of God, by His Holy Spirit, and the desire to please Him are we going to feel the fulfillment we long for.

So chill out and quit those hissy fits. Pray and ask God to give you peace. It works. Really. You may need to pray more often than someone else, but I assure you… you can’t pray too much.

Get In Your Place!

Satan is charming, convincing, and very clever.  When speaking with Eve in the garden located in the east of Eden, he spoke through insinuation.  He seduced her with the draw of a vuluptuous fruit from the forbidden tree and convinced her by the wandering thoughts he produced when questioning God’s motives.

God does not do this.  God is open with His intentions and He reveals Himself to us.  Sometimes, our measly little brains don’t fully comprehend His vastness, but He does not pretend to be something He is not.  He doesn’t hide the truth!

Satan enjoys stealing, killing, and destroying what is precious to God.  He hides this in his attempts – but his argument sounds lovely… on the surface.  “Your eyes will be opened” he delights.  He conspires and plants doubt: “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

“I can be like God?” One could consider… perhaps Eve did just that.  Did she forget that God said that she would surely die if she ate the fruit?  Didn’t she hear?  A little taste is all it took… a simple act of disobedience because of doubt and greed.

God says it plainly and doesn’t seduce and charm us to Him.  He is a God of love and wrath, mercy and judgment, forgiveness and contempt!  Voddie Baucham stated it well – we shouldn’t be asking why bad things happen if God is so good and powerful, what we should be asking is why, after what we’ve done today and yesterday, hasn’t He killed us in our sleep!  Are we greater than God?!

“Do you know the ordinances of the heavens?  Can you set their dominion over the earth?  “Can you lift up your voice to the clouds, That an abundance of water may cover you?   Can you send out lightnings, that they may go, And say to you, ‘Here we are!’?” (Job 38:33-35)

No!  It is God who is mighty – NOT MAN!  We are created in HIS image, not the other way around.  He is perfect in His love and perfect in His wrath!  He is not greedy or selfish!  His love is not like our love and His wrath unlike ours!  He is righteous and holy and it is by HIM we are made holy – not by anything we have done or been or thought or hoped for.  HE is holy and in our feeble attempt to be a blessing to Him, HE makes an unworthy man WORTHY and HOLY and RIGHTEOUS.  It is not for us or because of us… it is a testament to the God that He IS!

God is holy.  We must get off our our home-made pedestals and realize we are NOTHING without Him.  He is waiting for us… how much longer must He wait?  How much longer?

Lord, God!  Forgive our selfish and ignorant ways!  Look on our affliction and forgive our sinful ways!  May we take down our idols and worship YOU.  Humble our arrogance!  Break down our pride!  Reveal to us our weakness!  Send Your Spirit and enable us to fall at Your feet – it is our unintelligence that causes us to believe we are greater than the almighty… may we see the truth!  Oh I cry out for Your truth over us!  In the authority of Christ’s precious name I pray, Lord God!