I’ll Probably Return to Yelling

Some days I feel crazy… some days I wonder how other parents do it… some days I feel like I should be able to do it all and therefore I’m a failure…
Then days like today, I remember that I’m a mother of 7; my husband leaves at 7:30 on most days and doesn’t get home until 7:30 or later on most nights; I’ve only had a second vehicle for 2½ years out of the last 15; my free time consists of grocery shopping, laundry, late night visits with friends every once in a while, and going to church if I plan it well enough; and I’ve been pregnant, have nursing babies, and I’ve been wrestling with a fussy two year old for the last 14 years.
Free time through the day sporadically chat with family or friends and I educate myself on things I”m passionate about: I learn about self-care, research scripture, study up on communication and relationships, emotional health, child sexual abuse and how to recover from that, counseling training, and how to best homeschool and parent my children.
The rest of my day consists of training children from 6mos-14yo in the various needs each one has – emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical; trying to keep the house somewhat safe and clean not only so we can enjoy it but also out of self-cousciousness and what others might say about having so many children and not being able to be clean enough, in addition to trying to help my husband come home to less chaos after working 10+ hour days; trying not to yell, but yelling way more than I’d like; fitting in baths somewhere in our lives; while trying to be structured and on a schedule, eating at the same time every day and having a timely bedtime……
I think I’ve made my point. I’m not crazy but I sure do see why I feel that way. I am somehow doing all of this, though I still wonder how other parents make it look so easy. I can’t do it all, but thankfully I’m not just caring for little ones, I’m training them too so I do have help even though I have to follow everyone around kind of like a warden for it to happen. lol I’m failing daily at maintaining standards of hygiene in this culture, I’m failing daily at maintaining a level of neatness standards of hospitableness in this culture; I’m failing daily at speaking louder than what others deem kind…
What I’m not failing at though, is my mouth kisses boo-boos, smiles, and speaks words to guide, to build up, to train. My arms hug, comfort, soothe, and carry. My lap is filled with children of all ages – my youngest of 6mos finds safety there as well as my oldest of 14. None hesitate to come to me when they are in need of reassurance, encouragement, tenderness, and love. All have learned that they can trust me, be honest with me, share with me, and know they’ll be heard. My heart is full and love them, and they all know it.
So why do I feel crazy? Because I’m seeing myself through the eyes of those who don’t see the way we live our days instead of through the eyes of my Daddy, God who’s heart skips a beat at the sight of me; instead of through the eyes of my children who have such grace and love and see me for my heart and not as the world sees me. They hear our soft talks, they hear me teaching them how I’ve learned and how they will too, they hear that I fail but I don’t give up…
That… that is beauty. I love that.
And after I post this, I’ll probably return to yelling. Not because I accept it or think it’s okay or want to, but because I’m still growing and that’s the definition of not failing. That’s the definition of success. ❤

Word: Unclean/Defiled

“The Lord spoke to Moses, saying, ‘Speak to the people of Israel, saying, If a woman conceives and bears a male child, then she shall be unclean seven days. As at the time of her menstruation, she shall be unclean. And on the eighth day the flesh of his foreskin shall be circumcised. Then she shall continue for thirty-three days in the blood of her purifying. She shall not touch anything holy, nor come into the sanctuary, until the days of her purifying are completed. But if she bears a female child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her menstruation. And she shall continue in the blood of her purifying for sixty-six days.'” Leviticus 12:1-5

“While he was coming, the demon threw him to the ground and convulsed him. But Jesus rebuked the unclean spirit and healed the boy, and gave him back to his father.” Luke 9:42

Hebrew: 2930. tame
Original Word: טָמֵא
Phonetic Spelling: (taw-may’)
Definition: Unclean; defiled; polluted

Greek: 169. akathartos
Original Word: ἀκάθαρτος, ον
Phonetic Spelling: (ak-ath’-ar-tos)
Definition: not clean; not purged; adulterated; not pure; wrong mix

[The antonym, 2508 /kathaírō (“clean“), means “free from wrong mixture” (unadulterated, unmixed).]

Webster’s Dictionary 1828 – Online Edition

UNCLE’ANadjective 1. Not clean; foul; dirty; filthy. 2. In Jewish law, ceremonially impure, not cleansed by ritual practices. 3. Foul with sin. 4. Not in covenant with God. 5. Lewd; unchaste.

DEFILEDparticiple passive Made dirty, or foul; polluted; soiled; corrupted; violated; vitiated.


As I was reading through these definitions of the words unclean and defiled, I began to see them in a different light. The word unclean means altered from it’s original state/plan/design. It means not in its pure form. This can mean clean vs. dirty, but it can also mean that it’s been altered in some way… even adding a squirt of lemon to water makes it impure. It doesn’t always mean something bad… but not what was. Thinking deeper on that… I saw how a sexual abuse victim was considered defiled because they were violated and have been changed in some way – be it fearful, alert, lonely, ashamed, etc. A sinful person, whether committing theft, adultery, or murder, becomes impure/unclean because it was not God’s best offer for their lives.

What if this also references birthing, because all the work that goes into birthing a child can alter the hormonal state of the woman’s body. Because of this, the time after a child is born is set aside to allow the women to return to their pure state – unaltered, unchanged, whole.

I’m just going to mull over this until I learn more about it, but I couldn’t ignore it either… I had to write it down!

“You Do Love Me” by Free and Fearless (A.K.A. My Daughter)

Katlyn came to me earlier this afternoon and said the Lord gave her another full song. Within 15 minutes she had it written out and a quick recording on my phone so she wouldn’t forget it. I’m in love with her relationship with Him and I’m totally blown away by her gift. This is the second song that has come to her in this way (though she’s written several songs over the years that I’m certain came from this same gift she has). She wants her songs to be a blessing to anyone who it might touch, so I’m sharing them before they’re in their finished product. ❤

I’m alone, I’m on my own,
with nothing left, I regret.
They cast me away, and they say,
“No on will love you, now get!”

I run away, from all my fears,
spend everything, for what doesn’t matter.
I try to forget, try not to care,
that there’s a happily ever after.

Then You reach out and call me close…

I’m just a girl, with nothin to offer,
and yet You say, “Come my dear daughter,”
I back away, afraid it’s not true, then
You say, “I truly love you.”

I sit alone, a humble beggar,
in the dank, dark, empty cellar.
I know, that no one cares,
that I’m alone, sitting there.

The stench so familiar, it feels like home.
I’ve been there again and again.
I’m on my own.

You say that you love me, but it’s like a dream.
Something so distant, I’d buy it again.
but I gave away, everything.
I’ve got nothin to give to the King.
Yet you pursue me, again and again.

I’m just a girl, with nothin to offer.
And yet You love me, and say, “I’m right here,” I pull out my pockets, there’s nothin left, then I say, “I can’t accept it I fear,”

You say, “I’ll be waitin right here.”

I look around, for some pay,
but then You hug me, and You say,
“Darling child, I love you,”

“But I’ve nothin’ today”

You pull me close and say, “I don’t care,”

but then I break away, “That isn’t fair!
I’ve done nothing to earn this.
Don’t get me wrong, sounds like bliss.
Don’t choose me my life is false.
Please go choose someone else.”

And You say, “But I love you, too.”

I am a girl, with nothin to offer,
but all I need, is my Father.
He loves me, for who I am.
So take that my doubts. I say, “BAM.”

“Standing By Me” by Free and Fearless (A.K.A: My Daughter)

In March, the Lord gave my daughter this song in a dream.  She (13 years old at the time), said she was in a band with her cousins, called, “Free & Fearless” as she played the guitar and sang the words into a microphone.  She asked that I make the songs public, though they are without music and her very first recordings, because she wants them available for people to listen to in case they need to hear what God thinks of them. I love her relationship with Him.

Standing By Me by Katlyn M.

Verse 1
When I hear the thunder,
thrown at me by life,
And I just don’t know,
how to deal with all the strife;
When all I see is rain,
crashing at my door,
And my heart is aching,
for what I don’t feel anymore;

I close my eyes, and I realize…

All of my life you’ve,
been standing by my side;
All of this time you’ve,
been with me by and by;
And when the sorrows,
knocking at my door,
I will see that you are theere,
just like you were before;

Verse 2
The world comes crashing,
crashing all around me,
My eyes so full of tears,
that I can barely see,
I stand here, on my own,
just trying to make on glance,
Then you, walk over,
and you give me another chance;
You take the chains off of meee,
then all of a sudden,
I, am, free!


Verse 3
Nothing, can stand in your way,
when you’re comin’ back for me,
You wipe away my tears,
so I can finally see!
I stand, free again,
from the sorrow and the chains.
I am, safe now, free now, loved now,
and here’s how…
because you’re with, me.

Well Worth All the Waiting

Today I enjoyed a strawberry, cucumber, and lemon infused water! Great for detoxifying the body (aka, living a healthy lifestyle without depriving my tastebuds haha). I recently did a Daniel fast and it ended almost two months ago.  Since then, I’ve seen how my eating habits contribute to so much of how I’m feeling on a daily basis. Meat, breads, and pasta being the top three issues for me. When I eat those three things, I experience inflammation in my joints and feel depressed, I feel achy, I feel bloated, and I feel run down and fall asleep in the middle of the day.

When I don’t eat those foods, I sleep better at night and I feel great. It’s so hard to say bye to certain foods that I love the taste of (grilled cheese sandwiches, buffalo chicken pizza, and baked mac n’ cheese just to name a few), but I really do love my bean burritos, salads of course, tostitos with homemade guacamole (I loooove avocados), clementines, and trail mix (just to name some things I get to enjoy).

Being a vegetarian was something I felt led to do when I was a teenager, but it was something I never had real understanding in, health-wise, so it only lasted a few months, and that was 15 years ago now. Nine years ago I felt led by the Holy Spirit to do as Daniel did in the Bible for a few days, then again for two weeks about seven years ago, and then again for 40 days around five years ago. Now having done it again for 40 days a couple months back, and knowing my body well enough, I see that I’m not deprived of anything while I’m on the Daniel plan… I’m fulfilled when I take care of myself and I enjoy life more when I feel better.

My youngest is 4½ months old now and I’ve lost 55lbs. I have to do some exercises to get my muscles back on track due to the diastasis recti, but I feel really successful in what I’ve been able to accomplish. It can be easy to be discouraged in seeing the number on the scale, or see my belly bump, or not be able to fit in the size I used to wear, but I don’t want to see any of those things as marks in my value or worth. I don’t want to view beauty as our culture views it. I don’t want to beat myself up when the reality is, I’m making smart choices and I’m taking care of myself. My heart desires to do good to others, to grow in maturity and love, to be healthier and stronger, and to become more and more intimate with Jesus as I walk this life out with my family. Those are the markings of beauty, and our worth and value, as the Lord has so clearly shown me these last few years, was created at the beginning of time in the heart of my Daddy God.

Next month we’re moving. We’re beginning our homesteading journey and over the next year we’ll be preparing to become more self-sustaining. We’ll have a garden, chickens, goats, and rabbits. We’ll work with my in-laws and be active, productive, and healthy. Our children will grow up living off the land, knowing what it’s like to get their hands dirty, exploring in the woods, and learning from their grandparents. I couldn’t be more excited! God is so good. So I’m sipping on my sweet water and thinking of all the amazing things we have to look forward to. Let’s do this, Lord. I’m ready to take this amazing next step on this journey. It’s been well worth all the waiting. It really has.