Every once in a while I like to go back over the years and read journal entries from this day to see what things have changed since then and see the growth and progress I’ve made. Last year, I posted several songs that really spoke to me, so I thought I’d write an entry touching on how it impacted me and the process I went through and where I’m at today with it. God has done so much inside my heart this year. He’s so amazing.
Try by Colbie Caillat ~ I’ve never been great at doctoring my physical appearance to be what I came to believe was beauty. I struggled with brushing my teeth and showering regularly. I struggled with making healthy diet choices. I struggled with clothes I wore. I struggled with doing my hair. I never realized I didn’t like me, but I could never measure up to being who I thought was a beautiful person. I still struggle with these things, but now I’m accepting that I don’t have to try so hard, I just need to be open and raw about stuff. It might make others uncomfortable because I’m still working through things, but the people around me care enough to love on me through it. In doing so, I’ll overcome these struggles… and I am. I’ve actually come to a place that I like me and that’s how I’ve gotten there.
Because of You by Kelly Clarkson ~ The lies I’ve believed led me to make some choices that stifled my own growth. Wounds I had experienced by the lack of parental influence and presence in my life resulted in me trying to be something that was impossible to be – anything other than open and raw. I tried hard to shut all the pain down so as to not hurt others, but it didn’t heal my own pain. It made me ashamed of my pain, that I felt any at all, that I couldn’t move forward, that I wasn’t strong enough, brave enough, good enough, to get over it. But the reality is, because of it all, I am grateful to say that I may see glimpses of it in my character, but I will never be what happened to me. I am breaking away and I’m free and my children know a different life, and thus I’ve ended the cycle.
Piece by Piece by Kelly Clarkson ~ I needed my father in ways he both had no clue about and was emotionally and physically unavailable to do anything about. As such, I felt abandoned. Each time I tried to approach the subject as an adult, he attempted to validate it, but I was still left feeling like he was justifying it rather than just accepting that he’d hurt me and that his mistakes, no matter the reason they were made, resulted in wounds that he was responsible for. It’s because of this, that years prior, when my husband walked into my life, and he began to provide a kind of love from a man that I had longed for, it was monumental to a point that others didn’t understand. They felt I didn’t recognize their love for me, because of the type of love I needed wasn’t met by them. I in fact needed a man to love me, hug me, tell me I was beautiful and worthy – I needed a specific man – my dad. He didn’t love me as I needed and as a child I found a counterfeit version of it in my abuser. He took advantage of those vulnerabilities, he violated my mind and my body, he stole my trust and betrayed me because my father wasn’t there as I needed him…. and through my husband, those things were restored to me. I love my father… but those scars are still there. Those years are gone. We can build off of what happened, but the tears still surface when I think of what might have been… maybe someday they’ll cease, but for today, there is still pain mixed with my healing.
Catch My Breath by Kelly Clarkson ~ I’ve struggled with rejection for most of my life. I was not as athletic, as pretty, as funny, as cool, as well dressed, as xyz… I’ve spent most of my life trying to play it off as no big deal and trying not to let others know how much it hurt me. I’ve spent most of my life, turning my cheek, shrugging it off so as to not ‘hold a grudge’ or be ‘too sensitive.’ Then when I came to a moment of standing strong for myself I was viewed as self-righteous or judgmental. I felt like I was fighting to just live my life and took a breath. I screamed this song as it played, releasing all that pressure built up inside of me, to release the rocks of pressure I’d gathered up inside my soul… and then I could breath. I had wasted so much time trying to please people who didn’t even notice how hard I was trying to earn their love. They were oblivious to my pain and the struggles I faced on a daily basis… and this moment was a moment of no longer stifling my healing and victories in order to not offend. Not because I wanted to offend, but because I had made my own life less important, my own health, and thus the effect of all that on my kids less important.
Rise Up by Andra Day ~ As a result of realizing I was important and that it was okay to care for myself as such, I declared that I was going to rise up! I was broken down… spinning in circles… fighting an endless battle in all the wrong ways… so I rise up. In spite of the ache, I chose to rise up. In spite of how hard it was to breath, I chose to rise up. And I began rising up time and time again…
Not Ashamed by Abigail Duhon ~ The moment had come… would I live in shame or be bold and as I rose up, I became bold and unashamed. Unashamed of what had happened to me, unashamed of what I’d done or become, unashamed of my needs and my wants… and I looked to the One to manifest His strength in all the weaknesses I was wrought with. I continue to grow in this… shame is not a part of my spirit anymore.
Overcome by Jeremy Camp ~ I laid it all down, taking it all in that The Father would give it all for me… He overcame it all so I could overcome, so we could be together, so that victory would be won. How worthy of gratitude and praise He is… what else can be said? I sit in the awe of Who He is and I’m wrecked by His love for me. I’m overwhelmed by His enveloping presence, overwhelmed by the mighty God He is, overwhelmed by the sacrifice of His Son that He could be near to me. He overcame and thus I will overcome.
It’s Not Over Yet by for King & Country ~ I might still be in a war with myself in some ways as I still journey through the pain and experience wholeness and healing, I know it’s not over yet. I keep fighting and I keep hoping and I keep trusting. I am not fighting a pointless battle anymore… I’m not spinning in circles… I’m coming out of the darkness of oppression and into the light of freedom and life. The voices that tell me otherwise are lies… God is in this and it’s worth pushing forward.
Mine by Hollyn ~ I’m in His hand and He has and will continue to pursue me. He’s the one Who’s gotten me this far. He’s mine and I’m His. He’s my Abba Daddy and it doesn’t matter how many times I mess up, I’m His precious and adored baby girl. I am not a child anymore by the world’s standards, but I’ll always be his little girl and He has always been there fighting for me to protect me and keep me safe, He continues to wipe away my tears and kiss away my boo-boo’s. He’s my Daddy and He’s my home.
Music has been used on my journey towards the restoration of truth to my spirit. I believed lies for so long, but I am finally seeing those lies being replaced with truths. Truly, praise God for that.