These last several months have been riddled with lessons. I don’t know that I’ve experienced such cram packed-real life-living it out-what we call home school education, education. With growth coming at me full force, I’ve been put in a place to face my responsibilities, insecurities, selfishness, and pride head on.
It started in May when my husband, was dealing with some great physical discomfort. I was sure it was nothing major, but when we couldn’t find out what the problem was I started getting concerned. He is a proud man, a man who doesn’t like asking for help – especially when it comes to finances and taking care of his wife and children so when he reached out and accepted the help from others, that’s when I started struggling. He was overwhelmed with it, he became depressed and anxious and it became more and more difficult to be around each other.
I ended up spending time with some friends of mine. I became fearful of our financial situation and my own depression swooped in and made the issues that we were dealing with that much greater in my mind. I felt far away from my husband and to help him, I felt that it was necessary to carry the burden of stress. The kids were unmanageable, I was tired, I was lonely, and I was also struggling with some anger that my husband was out of work and “being a big baby” about it all. I had to focus on staying healthy and caring for the kids as best as I could – even if it meant not being there for those who were around me.
I had a group of people surround me to help in the ways they were able. Laughing and games were a great distraction, people listening to my heart was encouraging, financial gifts were surprising, and the willingness to help while the need was great was overwhelming. I was filled with gratitude and I felt privileged to have all these people in my life who care.
Things started to get better in my home life as I neared the end of my pregnancy but post-partum depression can be a debilitating factor in the bonding between mother and child so I made the decision to refuse any allowance for that to happen. As such, my depression and any stressful situations surrounding me had to take a back burner. I put all I had in being the wife my husband needed and the mom that my kids needed – especially this new little person that I’d be bringing forth from my own body. My husband and a couple of friends were there as I labored and made themselves available when I needed them. We laughed and talked, enjoyed the kids (and bacon), and I cried and yelled a bit too, as I labored. Unexpectedly, I retreated to my room with my husband after a couple of contractions 7mins apart and shortly after, I was holding my sweet, little, new baby in my hands.
Some days were harder than others, but my focus was always brought back to the good that I was capable of doing in the lives of my children ~ that I am indeed capable of being the mother they need and the mother I want to be.
New friendships were formed, others renewed, others shaken, and others were utterly destroyed. It was hard to try to manage those and some I just had to walk away from and hope it worked out because my health, my husband, and my kids have to come before anything else. It’s hugely important to me that my kids know that they come first, that my husband has a wife that he can count on and rely on even when he’s constantly jerked around at work, and that I am strong enough and mentally capable of doing just that. I pray that someday I’ll reap the benefits of making that decision and that some of those friendships that can be healed, are, but if not I have to find my solace in knowing that I did what was best for my family at the time.
During this trying time in my life, I was blessed to spend time with a family friend whom I’ve known since before I can remember. She’s always been like a big sister to me. It was during this time that we found how much help we were to each other – not because either of us *needed* the other, but that it sure was nice having the companionship and help when life can be hard sometimes. When I was in the darkest of dark times, she was there to allow me the time to work it out without having to be alone and most importantly at the time, support me and my husband despite how poorly I was feeling about him. It saddens me to know what I thought of him during such a difficult time for him, but I kept looking at him as the man he really is, the man I love, and the man I’m devoted to.
Sadly, that friendship ended unexpectedly and abruptly. I’m still healing from it but I’m certain I’ll be stronger for it someday. However, before that came to be, my husband and I decided to buy a home to accommodate for our growing family and boy have we been blessed! A beautiful home close to town but also in a peaceful location that allows for the privacy that we long for. Last spring we looked at houses and found a house that was the size we would have liked to have but no yard or even a driveway. It was so beautiful inside and we almost bought it despite what we would be losing. We felt the unction to wait and that God has something planned for us; we need just be patient. He’s proven Himself true.
Just think of it! God has increased our portion… and here we were so grateful for our 3 bedroom mobile home. God is so good to those who are grateful – and good really does come to those who wait!
So much life left to live and that is what I purpose to do.