So I’ve found through this process these last several months, that the only way to get something that was said about me from J, out of my head, is to process through it. If I don’t, it will literally just bounce around in my head. I’ve been able to process through so much of what I’ve experienced over the years due to doing that… but I’ll admit, this process is starting to bother me. lol I feel like I’m being nitpicky and not letting go and forgiving. I know part of it is because that is something J and L have both said to me in the past that I hold grudges and don’t just let it go… and maybe in a way they are right… but it’s not because I’m festering in resentment over here.
In fact, when I feel angry, it often doesn’t relate to a thought that really makes sense. I don’t feel the painful emotions related to what happened to me in that way. They come up when I discover my child lied to me or lied about me to their sibling or similar triggering events like that. I have to reason through it (something I’m now able to do instead of having outbursts of anger) and teach myself in each moment that me reacting with such strong emotions is not reasonable in such circumstances. Sometimes kids lie and while it’s wrong and needs to be addressed, it’s not personal. My kids aren’t treating me like J and L did, it is their immaturity, likewise with J and L. It is a sign of their immaturity and lack of growth, training, ability to communicate in a healthy way.
So after these several months of processing through, I’m starting to see the light at the end of the long tunnel… I can’t tell how close I am… but I see progress is indeed being made. The fact that I can see the disconnect of emotions from what J and L have done, a disassociation of sorts, and can work with that knowledge in the midst of such strong emotions, shows me that what I’m working through, what I’m doing, is working.
Sooooo if you read my blogs and think I’m just talking about stuff to talk trash, I have to let that go and be okay with it. I have to keep doing what’s working for my health for the benefit of my family. I believe there’s a reason in the timing for this to all be surfacing in this moment in time. I believe there’s a reason God has led me to share it… even if it’s just for now and I take it all down at some point…. so that’s why I’m continuing to go forward. I’m ready to see how deep God wants me to go and I’m ready for Him to take me all the way and get through all of this. It’s not easy… I have several children and I’m pregnant. I wouldn’t have chosen now to go through this stuff. haha In fact, I’ve put a pause on conflicts going on in my past during pregnancies because I don’t want this type of stuff to affect me as a mom… but the reality is, it’s already affecting me and I see that now. It is time to let it go… and I’m in my own process of doing just that on my journey of healing.
Thank you for going on this journey with me!