“It just came back again, out of the blue.” ~Donna White
I don’t know know why it hurt me so much. I’m hoping that writing it down will help me to figure that out and to get out of this hurting place again. I was there… and here I am, back again, seemingly out of nowhere. I’ve been talking to people about all that I’ve been going through, where I’ve needed to change and grow and where I’ve needed to see the truth and accept reality, where I’ve needed to see harshness and meanness and where I’ve needed to acknowledge that it’s not all in my head. Through all of it, I’ve found strength and hope and freedom, and so so much healing.
And then, bam, side slammed with views that are so contrary to the Word that the Lord has been showing me and I’m left bewildered and confused. Is it because of who it came from? Is it because of what they said? Is it because I misunderstood? Is it because of their heart behind it?
The concept of a flying monkey is that they are people who do the narcissists bidding, whether to inflict additional torment or to simply spy on the victim or spread gossip. Some do it as they side with the narcissist, while others are well meaning but deceived by the narcissist. They come in and inflict the same accusations and ideas that the narcissist has fought so hard for you to believe and to bring about the same doubt and insecurity and pain that they’ve inflicted upon you to keep you as their victim.
So when this person came to me and began questioning my motives, my heart, my direction, my willingness to look at my own sin, and my very core character regarding all of the situation, it hurt. I was deeply hurt as all the same wounds I’ve been dealing with that J had done to me was now at the forefront with this person I’d trusted deeply. I wrestled for a while with them, working to understand what they were saying so as to not make assumptions or jump the gun. They sounded just as confused as I felt, to be honest. I sought to reconcile it all together but nothing seemed to come together.
I was told to be real, as if I’m not… as if my kindness is a cover up of who I am. No. My kindness is a representation of who I am and I can speak boldly and honestly while being kind. Unfortunately, it appears many seem to not like that. They prefer me to be emotionally messy and worked up. I don’t want to be. My kindness is real and it’s a strength I’m unwilling to give up… and my blow ups and emotional outbursts aren’t a sign of me being real, it’s a sign of someone pushing me to such pain and hurt and raw emotion, that I no longer feel safe and I burst.
I sat there, yelling through the phone as tears poured down my face as I expressed the hurt I’d endured in a way of defense; my husband sitting behind me after he heard me calling out. It was obvious he wanted to take the pain away and that he was upset that someone had come into my peaceful healing place to disrupt it all again… but he sat quietly, allowing me to address the person and work through it, quietly allowing this person to correct the situation.
I can’t say the conversation ended on a clear note. I got off the phone confused and disoriented… much like when I have had a conversation with J. I felt like I had just been attacked and fought for my life. It was out of nowhere… I told them I didn’t want to talk about J and my decision to go no contact and they said they didn’t have anything to say about that… but then they did. Lots to say. Maybe most of it was processing… but it was at the expense of all the progress I’ve been making, my peace, and hearing all the negative thoughts that passed through their mind about me. Since that phone call, I’ve been emotionally tapped out which is something I’ve not experienced at all these last several months despite feeling every emotion I’ve felt under the sun and re-living some of the most painful times of my life.
They talked of the Lord’s purpose in our conversation… they believe everything happens for a reason – I don’t. I believe God uses everything for the good of those who love Him and for His glory, but that some things just happen because of selfishness, pride, and impulsivity. I don’t believe all evil acts are a result of demonic oppression, though I do believe all evil acts are rooted in allowing demonic oppression into one’s life through disobedience to the Lord. I believe demonic oppression can reside because of desires of our flesh – demons only magnify the sinful desires that are already present in a person (outside of literal possession that is). So we see that the battle is with the spiritual realm, but that doesn’t mean our own sins don’t exist. Outside of possession, the enemy doesn’t force any of us to sin – we choose sin.
So, they felt good at the end of our conversation because they got what they wanted to say out and had things they needed to express – that the Lord allowed the conversation for the breakthrough that took place. I’m glad they felt better… on the one hand anyway. But now, I’m realizing that it is the exact same situation as when I was being smeared by J and L chose that as an opportune time to express to me all the things they thought negatively of me… like this huge thing with J wasn’t enough that was going on, I also had an infant and was dealing with postpartum depression… and here comes L stripping me down to the nakedness of my soul as they declared how awful my character was. This time, I’m full term pregnant, processing my sexual assault and J and L’s roles that they played in it and raw, and this person comes in and digs the knife in deeper, creating new wounds on top of those already present.
I had let my guard down because they said they would not be touching on this subject of J. I opened myself up to their questions and trusted them with my raw heart and vulnerability. After all, I’ve been walking with an open wound for many months… I didn’t take this lightly. I trusted them. Additionally, I’m days from my due date. I’m so tired and achy from the pregnancy and not being able to sleep well because of it. I’m in a place of calm as I prepare for this little one – because they are more in need of anything right now than anyone else… Then, in that moment, the words came.
I know their intentions were well meaning, as I also believe were the L’s… but why would God bring me through months of healing only to lead this person to bring down the same insecurities and doubts? It sounds more like a distraction to me; a distraction from the love and hope that God is bringing into my life so I can find that wholeness. I feel like I’ve lost weeks of my progress from that single conversation. I refuse to allow it to stick… I’m continuing to move forward… but I have to come to terms with the fact that I can’t be vulnerable with everyone… even some of the people I so desperately want to trust. I am surrounded by people who support me and keep me accountable to the truth and correct me according to the Word and the Holy Spirit. Right now, anything less is just too much. And that’s okay. I’m okay to be at a place that I can’t help someone else through things. I’m okay to be at a place that I just need to accept the help of those around me who are being a blessing… isn’t that also being a blessing? To allow someone to use their gifts to bring me to a place of healing and strength?
If this person ends up reading this, I hope this doesn’t stir up resentments or misunderstanding… but I really need to process through these things and this is the place I’ve chosen to do so. Don’t comment here if you’d like to talk about it…. I’m just so tired and I really need to be all that my family needs right now. Full term pregnant, after a baby is born, and however long I need to get to the place to feel strong enough to work through it, is the time you’ll have to wait. We’ve been there for each other before, so I ask that you be there for me in the way I need you to be right now, and that is with a step back away from this topic and when I make contact, make it important. I hope you’ll make me important.