Nine years ago I started blogging. I began journaling four years before that, but truly, ever since I was a teenager I’ve found writing to be an easier way of expressing my thoughts. I’ve gotten better at communicating, but with PTSD and anxiety, I found myself unable to put all my thoughts in order.
I often described my mind like alphabet soup, except with words. I felt like I had to fish for what I was thinking in a sea of thoughts. When I was upset or hurting or angry, I would have to pull out thoughts and work through process of elimination to figure out why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I had no idea that I was dealing with PTSD or anxiety, and for the longest time I believed I was over-sensitive, over-emotional, and emotionally erratic, and I felt ashamed for it. Words can’t express how freeing it is to know I’m not those things and to find strength in the truth of who I really am.
Once I found blogging, it just felt like a fit. I enjoy typing and I can type much faster than I can write. When I began to blog, I felt like I could share what I was working through, so if one other person was interested with what I was learning or could relate in some way, than God could use it all for His glory and for the good of His children.
I found order to my thoughts, and once I found order to my thoughts, I could put the pieces together to find the truth. I’m thankful to be on the continued search of truth after living with so many lies that I’d been believing. I still deal with the PTSD and anxiety when circumstances that somehow remind my mind of my trauma, trigger a physical response, but knowing what it is I’m working through has helped in such a huge way.
When you’ve been convinced that you could become mentally ill at any moment, you believe everything is a sign that you’re crazy. So to realize I’m not crazy, but that my body is responding to the traumas that I experienced in my past, means everything.
Nine years of growing and learning, and I still am on that journey of healing and learning the truth, but I can see all the amazing things God has done so far; and I’m excited to see what other great things He is doing as He brings me through. ♥
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11