Then, I read the letter… after prayerful consideration, I was now a licensed independent minister. It was a pursuit I made after I heard the Lord say to me, “Become an ordained minister and counsel women.” I never planned to become a minister, so the pursuit was sudden and seemingly random and so I kept it private until I knew for sure it would lead to anything. I also had no idea how long it would take and I just needed to remain in prayer through it all. So I told a few friends who could pray with me over this insane call of God on my life.
To receive that letter, especially after such a rough start to my day, my heart was exploding out of my chest. I have no idea what God is going to do with this! From the moment I heard Him lead me in this venture, straight up to now, I think ‘who am I?’ LOL! I mean… I just sat sobbing in my bed 4 days ago because I’m still working through hurtful things… and today I hid in my dang bed! haha And I’m called to help women…
However, as I also posted on facebook, Moses asked God this same question (Exodus 3:1-17). I pondered how God responded, “But I will be with you…” That’s truly, what it’s all about, isn’t it? Then I recalled something my Mother in-law has said, “If God can use a donkey, surely He can use me!” So I thought, even if I’m just a donkey like in Numbers 22:21-39, Lord, use me! I had to laugh about that… being used even if I’m an ass. How true a statement for how many mistakes I’ve made and how humbling it is that God still sees me and loves me and wants to use me. That in His sight, I have great value, value enough to help someone.
So, after crying about the chicken basket and coffee that my friend sent me, you can imagine the emotion I felt upon receiving that letter and working through my worthiness of such a call. So powerful and amazing, especially after feeling like such a failure at everything. That being said… I was exhausted. haha However, the day simply wasn’t over. My baby was over tired and screaming. I simply couldn’t console him and felt completely maxxed out. I yelled at my 13yo daughter and immediately felt guilt but was still dealing with his screaming so I couldn’t apologize right away, so I became angrier – at myself. I fought inside myself to be calm so I could calm my son, and finally, he settled down.
Then, my daughter came out tearful (I was able to apologize for freaking out, but she was actually upset about other things). Four hours later, she felt she had worked through everything on her mind and felt better… there is truly nothing in the world I’m more thankful for than to have the opportunity to be the mom I wish I had. I definitely screw up in all my own ways, but I am so thankful that my daughter knows she can come to me with her hard stuff and won’t have to navigate and go through these transformative years without her mom’s friendship, guidance, and comfort. It’s also in these moments that I find so much grace for those around me that didn’t have the know-how, understanding, or tools and I find such gratitude in all that they worked so hard to do (cuz, this stuff is hard!). I wish I didn’t experience such hurt in spite of that effort, but I hope they can all be proud of who I’m striving to be anyway. ❤
However… now that my brain is completely fried after such a long and intense day, I’m ready to go to bed… but the day was just too amazing to not write about it and file it for a marking of another thing God did in my life that I and my children can someday look back on and remember. I’m full of awe and gratitude tonight. My life is so blessed with crazy growing moments, awesome testimonies of God’s faithfulness, and intense trying times. I love this journey I’m on! Even if it is the most exhausting thing I walk out sometimes. lol 🙂