Anxious Thoughts…

9/25/2015

TRIGGER WARNING: Talk of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss (not my own)

First of all, my baby is doing well. I don’t want to mislead anyone with the trigger warning. I just wanted those who may be affected by reading about such losses may not want to read this entry. The beginning of this pregnancy was my most difficult… when I first learned of my pregnancy, I was of course so in shock and elated! However, once the news settled in my spirit and I began to wrap my mind around it, after I shared with friends and family, after the normalcy of it began… I began to feel anxious. I didn’t understand why, but I began to deal with some fear – fear of the worst case scenario.

During my last pregnancy, I felt a strong sense that something was wrong and I prepared my heart and spirit that I might lose my baby. I was so ready, knowing I couldn’t fathom such a loss but knowing God is bigger and He’d help me survive. Being at this place, it came as a sudden and devastating shock that someone near and dear to me lost her baby (she shall remain anonymous as I don’t want to share her story without her permission). I watched her grieve and I grieved alongside her. My heart was broken and I didn’t understand why. I cried out to God – why her? Why not me? My heart was ready for such awful pain… but not this… not having a child inside me continuing to grow while someone so precious to me now had an empty womb. I obviously didn’t want to lose my child… but I was so confused and hurting.

So I think because of that experience and watching this beautiful person go through such a painful journey of healing, that when I settled with the idea of my pregnancy, I began to experience anxiety about the potential of it happening to me. I pushed through those first 12 or so weeks, saying to myself that it would be better once I could feel my uterus. Then, after I could feel my uterus, it would be better once I could feel the baby move… week 19, week 20, then week 21 came and I still hadn’t felt the baby move and I reached out to several women to keep me encouraged… it was hard when I watched another woman experience the loss of her baby. And then another… and more. I determined to support these women in such an awful and devastating time as best as I could as I processed through the fear of this becoming my own story.

Week 24 came and I finally felt little flutters in my belly. I was so relieved… but still nervous. Now I could feel this baby… and what if this stops? What if their precious and beautiful life ends? I began looking forward to the kicks. We discussed baby girl names in case we have a girl (we already have a boy name chosen) and I found myself struggling to connect. I became anxious… am I afraid to connect in case this precious baby doesn’t make it. What if I become one of these women with this experience. I’ve never lost a child… I continue to pray I never do.

Being at week 29, I now feel kicks and the older children all enjoy feeling the baby with their hand on my belly. I read another story today of a woman losing her baby. My heart is breaking for these women… and at the same time I want to turn off my computer and hibernate away from them. How does one balance the support for the heartache in the world and at the same time not being terrified of it becoming their own story? Thoughts of having a miscarriage was scary enough, awful enough, devastating enough… but to lose a baby at 20 weeks, 39 weeks, 40 weeks, one month old… how does anyone survive these experiences?

My mind has been prepared for such experiences… I’m just not sure if I could ever prepare my heart for it.

Into Week 29 With Baby #6!

29wks
29wks

I’ll be honest, the pictures I take of myself as I get closer to this baby’s birth day is blowing me away! My belly is so big! lol It’s incredible to think that a little human is inside of my body… cozy, safe, and warm. I love that we’re waiting to learn the gender of the baby again this time around, but man, it’s hard! Especially when I see others talking about their little girls and boys while taking their belly shots… but at the same time I’m reminded that while I don’t know the gender, God does… and it’s like we’re waiting for that birthday or Christmas surprise that we know is coming, but can’t open until it’s just the right time. The anticipation and excitement is all part of the experience and I love that. I can’t wait to see their little face, their little fingers and toes, and to call them by name according to their gender… the name that the Lord already knows is theirs. ❤

My baby is about the size of a large butternut squash now, with wrinkly skin since s/he is still accumulating the fat that will fill them out. I was thinking of how funny it would be to have a teeny baby. I hadn’t really pictured a teeny baby because all my babies have been 7lbs or more, but I have family who’ve had beautifully healthy babies that were smaller. I have family that are smaller too, so it’s not impossible for that to happen. lol So now I’m imagining this jet black haired baby at 5lbs. hahahaha Totally something different and unexpected from our normal light/brownish/reddish hair and chunky babes of 7, 8, 9lbs.

It just goes to show how amazing our bodies are designed – to form a baby with a sperm and an egg and have it grow into a person. It makes me contemplate a tomato, a cucumber, an apple tree! All formed from one tiny little seed… allowed to grow and be nurtured. And it all happens right here in the womb of a woman. What a gift… what an amazing creation He’s formed! That I can carry a little person inside my body for nearly 10 months while they are growing and developing… alive and precious and known and loved by the Father. ❤

I’m so thankful to have such a privilege once again. I pray I’d honor that privilege better and better with each day. With each year that goes by in their precious little lives. That I’d never forget that they are a precious miracle – every single one of them… and I get to witness their lives unfold into the beautiful purpose God has for them. Beautiful!

Red Raspberry Leaf Tea (28ish weeks)

So with my last 3 pregnancies, I drank Red Raspberry Leaf (RRL) Tea from about 16wks on, but with this one, I felt led to hold off for a bit longer and I just started drinking it here and there at about 26wks? I think. Well, I just drank some and now I have some contractions that are kicking my butt! haha And I think the baby is transverse so every time I have a contraction, the baby is like a football in my abdomen! Ohhh boy… I’m recalling some of the work that goes into getting this baby out… thankful for the help from the RRL Tea so my body can prep and be ready for the big day that we get to meet this sweet little babe!! 12ish weeks left! I can’t believe it! Woohoo!

Here’s the baby kicking from a day or two ago. It’s quick at the 15th second so don’t miss it! haha

#PregnancyDreams

That moment you have a dream about a celebrity that you can’t place… so you spend an hour and a half going through all the shows you’ve ever watched in all your life to find them and they’re an unpopular character from a show you watched almost 15yrs ago. Super weird. lol ‪#PregnancyDreams‬

I’ve Entered the Third Trimester!

It’s hard to believe I’m already 27+ weeks along now with baby number 6! It really does just feel like a couple weeks ago that I saw that faint line on the pregnancy test I took for fun. haha I wasn’t even late on my cycle yet, I just took it (at night no less) to satisfy this weird addiction of mine of peeing on strips of paper. hahhaha

It was really funny because I was in shock for a minute and told a friend I was talking to online at the time and trying to think of a creative way to tell my husband who was sitting near to me. She suggested dropping subtle hints about things we’ll need to get for “the new baby” and I said quite a few but apparently it just sounded like I was asking him about future preparations. haha “We’re going to need to upgrade our vehicle for the new baby, hun” wasn’t enough to reveal the news, so I decided to show him the test. “What am I looking at?” I laughed and told him that one line is not pregnant and two lines is pregnant. “It’s what we do best,” he joked.

I had just started a 2 month facebook break so I had to think of a way to tell everyone! haha I texted a few people and for the others, I was able to email them a video of me telling the kids the news. If you’ve not seen it, you can watch it here:

It was a lot of fun to see the kids’ reactions and fun to share it with others too. I think my mom’s reaction was the sweetest of all as the kids and I listened in on the phone with it on speaker. She didn’t realize it wasn’t a live video and was trying to talk to the kids and ask them if they were excited. So so sweet. We all laughed and enjoyed the excitement on the other line of her and my dad.

When I did return to facebook, I was surprised to see that there were still several people who didn’t know we were pregnant so it was fun telling even more people. 🙂 The video of the kids is by far my favorite. I am so glad I captured their reactions. They were priceless.

I didn’t throw up once though I did experience nausea off and on, especially when I ate certain foods or wasn’t eating certain foods. I’m experiencing some heartburn here and there but papaya enzymes have helped to decrease the frequency a lot. I just started feeling baby flutters a few weeks ago and it’s been awesome to see the kids faces as they feel the kicks on their hands this last week or so.

I’ve gained more weight with this pregnancy than my others and it’s been quite comical. Being that this is my first pregnancy out of Maine and in KS, I’ve been warmer and so have spent most of inside time in boxers and a tank top to stay cool. I’m excited to have a November/December birth since four out of five of my births have been in the summer. I’m glad I won’t be laboring in the Kansas summer though. Sheesh it’s hot here! haha

I’ve seen a chiro and my health is great and I feel great. I’ve been dealing with a bit of anemia here and there and had to attack some candida overgrowth in my gut but otherwise I’ve felt good and anything that’s come up, I’ve been able to address quickly and easily or with the help of some fellow experienced birthers who also practice alternative health care.

Well, there’s an update on the pregnancy. We’re just going about life and looking forward to when this little one decides to join us. It’s hard to believe we have 3ish months left to go. It’s exciting! I’m also really excited to have my sister able to come (if time permits) to take pictures. Woohoo!