What do I do now? 

I look at my 14 year old daughter and imagine myself in the shoes of my mother and father when they learned that a 34 year old man had sexually violated me for over a year. I imagine knowing it was happening and trying to find a reason that would/could justify it in my mind in any way that could prevent me from stopping him and protecting her. I imagine looking in her face in her moment of rebellion and teen angst and asking her who her father is and angrily suggesting that it was the man that brought such deep devastation to her. I imagine looking at her face and telling her in response to her telling me that he violated her, that it was just love.

I imagine it and my stomach turns and I feel sick at the thought…

The words and actions of our parents are loud… even over all the other support and love received…

As a 34 year old woman now, having heard my parents speak the words again as an adult, justifying their actions and their words even if just an attempt to explain why they did nothing, it’s no wonder I’m still working so hard to reaffirm to myself that what was done to me was wrong. I don’t want harm done against my parents, but how can I feel safe and trust someone who didn’t and doesn’t consider the pain of what happened to me and how they abandoned me during that time of my life… and still continue to abandon me.

I’m a survivor… and I’m sad to say that I feel like even if they said all the right words at this point, I wouldn’t believe them. It’s so hard to have such a void in my chest where a desire for connection, healing, hope, and love used to exist. It’s just empty.

The documents in the court case against the man who assaulted me stated that there was “no relevance to the dates” other than my birth date… he wasn’t charged with the emotional and mental damage he inflicted leading up to my 14th birthday, he wasn’t charged with exposing himself to me, manipulating me with gifts, or encouraging me to lie. He wasn’t charged with forcing me to watch porn with him or guiding my responses to his touch. He wasn’t charged with telling me to kiss his chest or attempting to force me to give him oral sex. He wasn’t charged for making me afraid of losing everyone I relied on. He wasn’t even charged with sexually violating me at 13 years old because it was too close to my 14th birthday. He wasn’t charged for the 6 months of sick perversion that led to me being coerced into being sexually assaulted.

I feel trapped in this truth of what happened to me… I move forward, but it’s so hard because the ball and chains are still on my ankles. I don’t let it rule my life. I make the changes needed so that this story is never the story of my children… but not without the ball and chain I am still dragging. I want to take the chains off… but I still don’t know how. Even after all this time… but then I look at my daughter and my heart aches at the very thought of something ever happening to her and I’m reminded that something *did* happen to me and my parents did nothing.

I’m 34 years old and yet I’m still that scared, isolated, violated, and broken little girl who just wants her parents to scoop her up and make it better… but they can’t make it better. It’s too late. Instead of putting pieces back together, they took the pieces and broke them into smaller pieces…

Lord, help me. I’m still so broken and hurting. I’m still so ashamed and hiding in my nakedness. I should never have known I was naked… but I was deceived. Woe to him who deceived me… but now what… what do I do now?

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Putting on the Armor of God

I believe our tragedies are our shackles until we grieve, and then they can become our armor. It’s so important to grieve our losses after tragedy – grieve who we thought we had, who we thought we could trust, who betrayed us, what was taken from us, and what was done to us… but especially grieve who we once were. When we work through the stages of grief, we come to a place of acceptance. Grieving allows God to manifest His power in our brokenness! The pain isn’t gone, but it’s not tying us down or holding us back… and that is when it can be used as armor! Armor to protect others and love people even more than before!

Today, I choose again to not allow the tragedies in my life to stop me from being all that God created me for. My armor is to protect me from the blows of the enemy, but I remain soft and tender underneath! I will not harden my heart to the world. I will continue to love people and give mercy and give chances. I will listen to my intuition and I will trust the Holy Spirit unctions God has given me. I will stand firm on God’s Word. ♥

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.” Ephesians 6:10-20

Love Your Neighbor as Yourself

Due to a heavy heart and many tears, I had to write a letter to a man who hurt someone I love and dispose of it… it’s so hard not to just shake some people with the truth of their inaction. You have no idea the impact you have on someone else who should be able to rely on you. You don’t just hurt people with discouraging words or physical violence, sometimes the most painful thing you can do to someone is pretend they don’t exist.

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” ~ Jesus