God is Bigger Than This

Yesterday, I was faced with having to process things regarding experiences I had as a child.  It was triggering and stirred a sense of dread in my gut as I worked through what had happened and how someone was to blame, but no one tangible.  Child sexual assault, when not dealt with or seen, reaches beyond the stretches of the imagination.  It’s devastating to think about and breaks my heart to a degree that words just don’t do it justice.

Somewhere along the way, a child must have been violated and taught to pursue these same sexual behaviors.  It would then go from one child to another, and another, and another… and I don’t know where it ended, if it ever did.  I was one of these children and I don’t know where it began or who introduced these ideas into the mind of the children… many of us all acting out things we had been taught.

I recall my mother walking in once and speaking to me and another child, that we don’t play that way… but then she continued to leave us to play alone and she never spoke of the matter again.  It wasn’t until I was 12 years old that I began to see that there was a concern and it had to stop.  I felt dirty and ashamed for participating in these things, but without a knowledge of how to really deal with it and address it, so we stopped, we let it go, and we moved on.

It wasn’t until I was 16 that I’d tell someone about it.  Sharing what had been happening.   First my sisters and then my boyfriend who would later become my husband.  I was so ashamed and had no idea what to do with it… no one was to blame but there was such anger and devastation I wasn’t sure where to direct those emotions so I stifled them.

Yesterday, those emotions surfaced.  I began thinking of the other children who had been affected.  How many of us were there altogether? I’ll never know.  My gut turns at the thought of it being introduced to me… it being introduced to others… but another child somewhere had it done to them by an adult.  An adult violated and stole the innocence of all of us as they violated the boundaries of safety and innocence of the one or many who would thus go to other children to act those things out.

But where do the emotions go? The other children, we’re all victims.  The parents, 9 times out of 10 have no idea it’s happening because it’s someone so well loved and trusted harming their child.  So the emotions get directed at a faceless and intangible being… an evil that can’t be named; a wickedness only defined by the shadows in the night.

I don’t know what happened to all the children, or who/where they are today, but I’m praying my heart out as we all wrestle with the damage caused.  For me, it left me with a confusion of love, sex, boundaries, and safety… and opened me up to further damage by a man named David.  It left me vulnerable to accusations and insults about my behavior from my abusive sister J who continues to exploit what happened to me as though it defines who I am today.  It left me ashamed of having been a part of it, but not knowing any better in order to do anything about it, and now the damage has been done.  It left gaps in relationships and created wounds that would last well into my adult years.

I know there is healing.  I know God is bigger than this.  He will get me through and just as He is near to me, He is near to the other brokenhearted children who have had to wrestle through these experiences that tie us all together well into their adult years as well.  This too does not define us.  Our value, our beauty, and our purpose is found in Christ and the enemy can’t steal that away from us, no matter what his attempts are to do so.

Jesus is enough.

Lies Are Destroyed with the Truth

“Neglecting this need and responding to the abuse as though it’s anything but damaging, life-altering, and devastating, further perpetuates the lies of the abuser to their victims that they are garbage, that their pain is insignificant, and that the feelings of others hold more value than their own.” ~But It Does Matter…

I now know the truth.  I am not garbage.  My pain is significant.  My feelings do matter.

The lies will not destroy this truth now that it is known.  Sadly, as a child I received more of this than the truth I so desperately needed to hear, but now I know the truth.  Yesterday is gone and today is a new day.  The lies can no longer be perpetuated.  Now that I know the truth, the lies only further strengthen me in my pursuit of healing and being a conqueror.

The Lord hasn’t left me to work through this alone.  He pours over me everything I need to never allow the lies to touch me the way they have.  Not only for me, but for all the brokenhearted who are believing in these lies.  The truth will reach them and they will rise, because God is near and does not forsake His beloved.

Lyrics:

There’s a wind a-blowin’, all across the land
A fragrant breeze of Heaven
Blowin? Once again
Don’t know where it comes from
Don’t know where it goes
But let it blow over me
Oh, sweet wind, come and blow over me

There’s a rain a-pourin’, showers from above
Mercy drops are comin’
Mercy drops of love
Turn your face to heaven
Let the water pour
Well let it pour over me
Oh, sweet rain, come and pour over me

There’s a fire a-burnin’, falling from the sky
Awesome tongues of fire
Consuming you and I
Can you feel it burnin’
Burn the sacrifice
Well let it burn over me
Oh, sweet fire, come and burn over me

Oh lift your voice
Call for the wind, call for the rain, call for the fire
We say we’re keen Lord…
Come and pour, oh Lord.
Do it again and again and again and again and again, oh Lord
Oh, sweet fire, come and burn over me
Oh, sweet rain, come and pour over me
Oh, sweet wind, come and blow over me

Let it blow over, let it blow over, let it blow over…

Vlog: Another Kind of Moment – Balance

I have my hard days, but God is faithful and gives me days of joy, strength, hope, and most importantly full of reminders of His grace and mercy in the midst of the pain. ❤

I apologize for the length and the confusion in some places (though I edited as well as I could, I had lots of interruptions from little ones and kept losing my train of thought… hahaha… I should have kept some of the door knocks in there just for the amusement factor, but that was an afterthought lol).

Vlog: A Raw Moment

I was wrestling with these words written about me in a review in regard to my book, by my sister J, “a failure to all women who have truly been sexually abused…” As I sat sobbing alone in my bedroom earlier this evening, my kids playing down the hall and my husband at work, I chose to put the video on and express what I was working through rather than simply writing it in a blog, because all too often raw human emotion can get lost in words. It’s my hope that this reaches the hearts of others who are going through these things and that you know you’re not alone. We’re in this together. If you feel the need to reach out, I hope you will. kristiwhitten@ymail.com ♥

Print Copies Now Available: But It Does Matter… (Revised Edition)

I was able to list the print copy of my book for $12 (plus s&h), so if anyone is interested, you can purchase your own print copy by clicking on the image below! ♥ The book is also available as an Ebook/PDF for $5. Please feel free to share this post with friends. ♥

As mentioned in a previous entry, since publishing my book last April, I’ve learned some things that I felt were pertinent to the genuity of my experiences. While it didn’t change what I had to work through (which is what the context of this book is), it does change the tone of how I felt it should be presented. The book is mostly the same, however it’s been worded differently in certain places to bring light to these important truths.  Please read knowing this is my experience, my story, and what I went through.  It wasn’t an easy decision to share, but I believe in going beyond my own comfort, that it can help people.  As part of my own journey of healing, knowing that my experiences can be more than just a painful scar and could help people, brings about a purpose in everything that I’ve had to work so hard to overcome.  So please share this book, and may it bring comfort to someone who might feel alone in what they’ve gone through, validation in their own struggles, truth to the lies one might believing, confirmation to one who might feel a predator is among them, and so many more. ♥

As always, I am so very grateful for the love and support and continued encouragement from each of you in my life.
From the depths of who I am, thank you.

Book cover image

But It Does Matter…

(Revised Edition)

My Journey of Healing

from child sexual assault

Kristi L. Whitten-Drummond

Licensed Independent Minister

$12.00

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