Prayer Request Please…

Friends, please pray for me. I’ve truly come so far in my healing from the sexual assault I endured at 13, but every now and again, a moment hits me and I feel like I’m grieving what happened all over again. That happened to me not that long ago and now I just feel drained. I hate even thinking about it but I also know if I ignore it, it just sits and festers inside me. Keep your babies safe, friends. Don’t be paranoid but trust your gut and remember that over 90% of reported child sexual assaults takes place by someone the child knows and trusts (and that’s just the reported cases). It’s easy to believe only monsters could do such a thing, but sadly they aren’t always so blatantly obvious as that. The man who assaulted me was my sister’s ex-brother in-law. Known and trusted by her ex-husband’s family for over 20+ years, he worked with my brother in-law and was invited to every wedding, barbecue, family gathering, hunting trip, etc. Sexual assault has a lifelong impact. Be willing to offend to protect your child more than fear being wrong. Thank you, L, for following your instincts and being willing to act to end what was happening to me. ♥ Thank you for the prayers.

Hold on to me…

A baby
placed into your life,
Vulnerability and defenselessness
The purest form,
You wouldn’t give
You only took
She was there
Bare and begging
Empty and alone
He broke her
He stripped her
She lost herself
He ruined her
You did nothing.

You were blind
Pretending you could see
You saw
And did nothing.
You heard her cries
Your own needs
They screamed louder
You turned away
You never looked back
And when she was gone
You pointed your finger
She was the pain

How could you?
She stayed quiet
That wasn’t enough.
She sought you out
You regretted nothing.
She spoke the words
That pissed you off.
You blamed the darkness
You learned nothing.
You shut her down
She walked off.

She was unsteady
She was unsure
You yelled at her
Trust her?
You couldn’t.
Look at her.
Just look at her.
You said it.
You didn’t get the emotion.
You scared her…
She just wanted love.

Hold her…
She wanted you to touch her.
Love her…
She wanted to be special.
Kiss her…
She wanted to be loved.
He did…
He stole from her
Your love… was replaced
By trickery and confusion
You mocked her
You punched her with your words
She was broken
And you stepped on her pieces

You had peace
But where was hers.
You forgave yourself
But never showed her
You moved on
You left her
She was wounded
And you were gone.

Daddy, your daughter needed you.
Mama, I was all alone.
Our house never felt like home.
I needed you to be there
I was shaken and alone
You moved on.
Mother you hated him
It was all you could see
But I was there
Wishing you’d come to me
Father, you weren’t there
You abandoned us all
You left me scared.

Forgive.
Forget.
Move on.
But you haven’t.

You’re still putting your responsibility on me.  Sitting in silence as if you don’t know.

He disrespected, deceived, and confused me and now you do the same.

Don’t you see? Don’t you see me and what you’re doing?

Blame me… but I won’t apologize for reacting to what you’ve done.
This isn’t about the past. This is about today.

You were never there… and you’re still not.

Your words hurt me and now your lack of them hurt me…

Say something.

Say the right thing.

And mean it.

 

Being Who I am…

I’m sitting here, listening to Karyn talk to herself as she plays… she’s so imaginative and creative, with so much enthusiasm… and Christopher just started talking to himself too… he’s sitting next to her and playing with his Mario toys, making them excitedly do math… neither of them are hesitant, embarrassed, hiding behind what is or isn’t cool or socially acceptable…

I’m so thankful for that…

I still remember, over 20 years later, when I made my stuffed animals talk to each other as I played by myself and someone coming up behind me and laughing at me. Poking fun at me that I was talking to myself. For all I know, they thought I was cute… but the impact left me embarrassed and paranoid that I was immature. I was just a kid being a kid, and I was embarrassed that I was being weird and different.

It’s spilled over into other areas of my life… how I clean my house, how I dress, how I walk to my vehicle or down the road or across a parking lot… it led me to stop wearing ski pants to go sledding because it made me look like a kid…

but I was a kid…

I’m so glad my kids are being kids and feel free within that realm of their childhood. They aren’t thinking about being kids… they just are.

I want to be that type of woman… not thinking about being who I am… just being who I am.

Moments

I watched a show where the mother of an adult woman passed away. They were close and had a friendship that I’ve never had with my parents… and I found myself grieving what I never had, and what I could never have, even if it’s another 30+ years before my parents pass away because that relationship of trust and security was never established.

Something I said to my husband the other night about it… I’m the grown up now and I have little ones looking to me to be what they need as their parents. I can’t dwell in what I didn’t/don’t have because it’s on me to provide it for these precious people. I’ve spent over a decade since becoming an adult searching, yearning, and desiring more from my parents, and now I feel I have to close that chapter and move on.

The desire isn’t gone, there is certainly overlap where I see myself momming my own little ones. With my oldest just a couple months from becoming a teenager, which was the most pivotal time in my young life and when everything fell apart, I see the need to let the broken and hurting parts of myself and the relationships it stems from to slip away. It’s not a lack of love, a lack of interest, or a lack of forgiveness… just simply less love and less interest, and a less important relationship to work through than the value in the one I have before me with my children. Nothing is more urgent than the energy and love I have to offer the babies that the Lord has entrusted to my care and if I’ve learned nothing from what I never had, it’s that no one can make that choice to be the parent that I needed, that my children needed, than the parent themselves. Me.

Parentless with parents was always a difficult position to be in… my parents live 10mins from me. They gladly, willingly, and even joyfully open their door to my growing family… they are there but there is a detachment present. Perhaps not for them, perhaps they don’t feel the disconnect and it’s something they don’t understand. I was oblivious to my need for them until my safety was shattered and all I wanted was them to fix what was broken… I was 13, searching for stable footing. Perhaps they could never repair it, no matter how they tried. All I know is that all I had was The Rock that I was standing on… I didn’t even acknowledge it was there, because I could only see the vast waters that surrounded me, empty but suffocating whenever I tried to step off. The only safety was on that Rock…

God was always just sitting there with me, and often I never noticed, much like a toddler keeps watch of their parents as they play but doesn’t notice their presence so much until they’ve returned from a trip to the store, and realized they weren’t right there, and how much they needed/wanted them. Sometimes this made me angry, because I longed to be scooped up and hugged, held, and loved on, showered with affectionate words of how special and important I was… but my parents were supposed to do that… instead, they had no idea how much I needed it and I had so many others filling my head that I was a horrible human.

I definitely fall short of where I could be, but I’m learning more and more of being comfortable in my skin and simply desiring to grow because that is inevitably what happens when you seek to be healthy and whole – not because I need to be better, not because I’m not good enough, not because I’m dirty or ruined. Simply because growing is what you do when you are loved and have value… and I am. I am loved. I am precious.

My parents were children once… they had siblings and they had to grow up and figure things out for themselves too. They had children and faced each other in marriage as they sought to survive and thrive and impart what they felt was best for their own family. I have compassion on them and what they had to work through… and I hope my children will give me grace and love through all my daily mess ups.

I envision the future with my children, seeing them marrying and having babies of their own, spending time with them and playing with them, passing on a legacy of love and compassion, hoping the message of their value in Christ sticks. I envision how I might respond to the mistakes I’ve made if they were to confront me with them and how I definitely wouldn’t respond. I don’t need validation anymore, but I did. I needed my parents to let me be angry at them and to say they were sorry. I needed them to say they wish they had done some things differently.

I don’t need that now. I still have anger, but I don’t need validation anymore. I don’t need them anymore… and now I’m faced with ‘what if they die’ what will I do. Will I be okay? Will I have wished I done things differently. Should I give them the time with my kids before they die? Am I hurting my kids if I don’t give that relationship to them? I’m left wondering what the right things to do are,what would make me a good daughter or a good mother or a good person? But ultimately, I just think about what’s going to help my family thrive.

I can’t be everything to everyone, and I am struggling with that, but I’m trying to embrace it. I’m simply not strong enough to be the daughter without what I need, as well as the mother I never had, for the children I’ve been given… trying to give all I am to them so they are not children without what they need… and perhaps this is how I’m without to begin with, because my parents couldn’t give me what they didn’t have themselves and were searching for it as well… but alas, that doesn’t change anything other than perspective, which is good because it leaves me aware but in the same place.

This is a moment… and I leave room for everything to change in any such moment… but I also acknowledge where I am in every moment also and this is where I am, counting each moment as precious in the lives of my children above all else as I walk out God’s calling on my life – to be a mother. The hardest, most rewarding, most challenging, most crazy-making thing I do… and right now, that’s all I have time for.

If someone makes it like I’m in a bad place or that I’m thoughtless of their own needs, then they don’t have my own kids’ needs in mind and they can wait. Anyone else who gets it, will get it and support that, and will wait willingly.

I am taking all I have to be closer to Jesus and pour everything I have into what God calls me to. It’s all about Him.

I Found Him There…

One of the most awe striking things about God that I continually face is how I can walk through difficult times and in the midst of my eyes dim with grief, He opens them. Time and time again…

Words can’t even express the fullness of gratitude I have that He walks with me through this life, and never leaves me to face it alone. As I have worked through the pain of what I had endured and worked to find who I am in Him, His presence consuming my heart, He provides such overwhelming peace. I am truly overwhelmed by Him and His glory.

This song by Ellie Holcomb, “Find You Here” penetrated my heart and the truth in it caused me to weep as I recalled the darker times and how He was drawing near each time. I just had to share it. I hope it blesses you too.

Lyrics: [Verse 1]
It’s not the news that any of us hoped that we would hear
It’s not the road we would have chosen, no
The only thing that we can see is darkness up ahead
But You’re asking us to lay our worry down and sing a song instead

[Chorus]
And I didn’t know I’d find You here
In the middle of my deepest fear, but
You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me, with peace

So I’ll lift my voice and sing
You’re gonna carry us through everything
You are drawing near
You’re overwhelming all my fears, with peace

[Verse 2]
You say that I should come to You with everything I need
You’re asking me to thank You even when the pain is deep
You promise that You’ll come and meet us on the road ahead
And no matter what the fear says, You give me a reason to be glad

[Chorus]
And I didn’t know I’ld find You here
In the middle of my deepest fear, but
You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me, with peace

So I’ll lift my voice and sing
You’re gonna carry me through everything
You are drawing near
You’re overwhelming all my fear

[Bridge]
Here in the middle of the lonely night
Here in the middle of the losing fight, You’re
Here in the middle of the deep regret
Here when the healing hasn’t happened yet

Here in the middle of the desert place
Here in the middle when I cannot see Your face
Here in the middle with Your outstretched arms
You can see my pain and it breaks Your heart

[Chorus]
And I didn’t know I’d find You here
In the middle of my deepest fear, but
You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me with, peace

So I’ll lift my voice and sing
You’re gonna carry me through everything
You are drawing near
You’re overwhelming all my fear with peace

[Outro]
Rejoice, rejoice
Don’t have to worry ’bout a single thing, ’cause
You are overwhelming me with, peace!

Don’t have to worry ’bout a single thing
You’re gonna carry us through everything
Overwhelming peace …

I Believe

In January 2005, 12 years ago, the Lord spoke to me through my father in-law. He said, ‘just believe.’ I didn’t understand. I had nothing I was obviously struggling with at the time and I told him I’d tuck it away and note it for a later date should it make sense for something the Lord planned to show me.

A few weeks later, I was in the throws of deep anxiety and had isolated myself from everyone. I wasn’t connecting with friends, I wasn’t going outside, and I was spending most of my time feeling apathetic and hiding behind the closed curtains in my home. It was a dark time for me but in my despondent state, I pulled out my Bible and told God I didn’t care anymore and I just needed a little reprieve. His answer? The story of the lame man at the gate called Beautiful in Acts 3.

As I read through the miraculous healing of this man who couldn’t walk and was carried to this gate each day to beg for money. As Peter and John walked on, they offered them what they had, reaching out his hand, Peter pulled him to his feet and declared in the name of Jesus for him to walk… and so he did. Immediately. No physical therapy or stretching; the man began to dance! He walked, he leaped, and he praised the Lord. I felt the Lord speak to me that He was doing the same for me… I wanted to think that could happen for me, and remembered what my father in-law said. I needed to ‘just believe.’ I wanted to just believe.

A week later, I read another story in my reading plan of a man who was healed and he jumped up and walked in Acts 14. I still wanted to just believe and I began saying it was so. I was healed and I would not be convinced that I wasn’t. A couple weeks later, I read the story of the synagogue ruler in Mark 5 that Jesus said, “Do not be afraid; just believe.” and I was adamant to not be afraid – I would boldly walk out of the familiar and comfortable to the uncertain, uncomfortable, and yet profound healing that God was speaking over me. I asked Him to help me believe!

A week following that, I read the story about the boy’s father who cried out to Jesus in Mark 9 and He said, “‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.” The father realized his doubt and asked God to help him overcome his unbelief and I agreed with that prayer. I wanted to ‘just believe.’ as my father in-law had said. A week later I read of the centurion and the words spoken by Jesus, “‘Go! Let it be done just as you believed it would.’ And his servant was healed at that moment.”  

I believed that March day of 2005 and the journey over these last 12 years has been to continue to fight the lies trying to cause me to doubt the healing that took place. I was healed. I am healed. I stand firmly in that victory. I believed Him then. I believe Him now. I am healed. ♥

Entry One: “The Renewal of Your Mind”

Last night I joined some friends for “Mom’s Night Out” and what I walked away with is something that I’m already seeing the fruit from and I’m really excited about! Truth Journaling. It’s a method of journaling where you write out what you’re working through, feeling, struggling with, or whatever and you number each thought and change whatever is a lie or a partial-truth and replace it with the truth. I didn’t really know where to start because I was in a tough place emotionally but didn’t really know how to put words to it… so I just started writing about how I didn’t know what to say until the rest just kinda spilled out of me.
 
As I worked through the emotions, I saw that I believed I was feeling led by my emotions, feeling overwhelmed, that I didn’t know what to do about my feelings, and that I just wanted to go to sleep. After I numbered each thought, I began to address the truth. What does God say about that? What is the reality that I’m actually in… and the answers were both affirming and revolutionary, and the physical response to those feelings began to ease as I saw the truth. I began to see the fruit of transformation by simply acknowledging the truth.
 
It was such a huge moment for me. Often it takes an hour, a couple days, a couple weeks, sometimes even longer than that depending on what it is I am addressing, to process through my feelings and how it effects me both physically and mentally… and in this process, I jumped right to addressing what was true and what was false, and my mind was renewed and I felt completely at peace that things were going to be okay.
 
I wanted to share this with my friends because I know I’m not the only one who feels overwhelmed with life some(most)times. I know I’m not the only one who is searching for a ways to overcome and stand in the truth that we’re victorious but struggle to walk out. I know I’m not the only one who has the desire for change and just needed some tools to start making the changes.
That being said, I wanted to share my first journal entry because I personally can grasp concepts more easily when I see them in action so I wanted to provide that for someone else interested in it. I’ll include the link to the woman’s blog at the end of this entry for anyone interested in learning more about this method. I hope this helps anyone interested and searching for some tools to work more deeply towards personal healing and spiritual growth.
My entry:
3/7/17
I’m not really sure where to start so I’m just going to start writing and see where it leads. I keep making emotionally led decisions and I want to lead my emotions, not the other way around. I feel overwhelmed with the kids and overwhelmed with life in general. I don’t know how to get to a healthy place. All I really want to do is sleep and be somewhere else.
Breaking it down by thoughts:
1: I keep making emotionally led decisions and
2: I want to lead my emotions, not the other way around.
3: I feel overwhelmed with the kids and
4: overwhelmed with life in general.
5: I don’t know how to get to a healthy place.
6: All I really want to do is sleep and be somewhere else.
Replacing any half-truths/lies with the truth: 
1: The truth is, I don’t keep making emotionally led decisions. Despite wanting to run away sometimes, I don’t run away. I’m here. Despite wanting to avoid everything, I don’t. I’m here. I’m not doing everything right, but I’m here with my family and I’m loving on them.
2: I do want to lead my emotions, and I am doing well to do that despite the feelings I have. I am not led by my emotions.
3: While I might feel overwhelmed, I’m not overwhelmed. To be overwhelmed is to be buried or drowned beneath a huge mass. I am not buried in my sin or struggle. I was buried with Christ and rose from the grave. I am victorious in the Lord and I am an overcomer.
4: I am not overwhelmed with life in general. I have so much to be thankful for. I have wonderful friends, I’m best friends with my husband, my children have amazing big hearts, we’re warm and well fed, and I know God is with me where ever I am.
5: I do know how to get to a healthy place: God’s tools through renewing my mind with His truth. This exercise is the tool I can use to do that.
6: What I truly want is God’s peace in the midst of my life. I want my children to have a joyful life and a healthy mom. I want to be right here and I want to be awake and not miss these precious moments and opportunities to be a friend and guide for my family.