I Won’t Lose Heart

I don’t want to be lukewarm in my faith, neither hot nor cold; I don’t want the Lord to spit me out. I know I need His guidance, love, and reproof. I don’t want to be miserable, pitiful, poor, blind, or naked and ashamed. This year is an opportunity to walk out my salvation as God continues to refine, purify, and cover my shame. I’m opening my eyes to see, allowing God to correct me and change my heart that I might live. No emotion or manipulation of people will lead me; only the Lord because all He does for me is from a place of love. I won’t lose heart, I will hold fast! God is in every bit of this year to come as He has been in all the years leading up to this moment. I’m His daughter and I’m so grateful for a Father like Him. 
 
“Those I love, I rebuke and discipline. Therefore be earnest and repent.” Revelation 3:19
“And you have forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons: ‘My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, or lose heart when He rebukes you. For the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and He chastises everyone He receives as a son.’ Endure suffering as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?” Hebrews 12:5-7
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A Year of Promises Coming to Pass

The end of another year, and quite a year it’s been. It’s been wrought with risking it all, and doing it with bravery, vulnerability, raw and real emotion, and in complete trust and faith in God, even as I’ve wrestled through doubt and insecurity.

I’ve been challenged to be who I am in the midst of all the fears that the little girl inside me hold. I’ve been faced with choices of reckless abandon, and trusting that the Lord knows what He is walking me through. I’ve been faced with broadening my perspective to include the perspectives of others. I’ve been faced with humility and seeing where I’ve missed the mark. I’ve been faced with seeing the state of the nooks and crannies of my heart and allowing God to heal me in all those places. I’ve been faced with lies and accusations and I’ve stood up against them. I’ve been faced with manipulations, but I’ve stayed true to what I felt was right despite what the feelings it stirred within me.

This year was full of emotion – intense, sometimes overwhelming and all consuming emotion. I was faced with trusting the Lord in what I was led to do despite those emotions. In doing so, I saw all that God was doing with it, in me and in others, allowing the dead leaves to die with autumn and be buried under the snow so that new life can spring forth with the budding of spring. All the dead things in me, in those around me, breaking off as we allow our flesh and earthly desires to die, and we allow the Holy Spirit to lead us.

It’s been a year of restoration and healing, reconnection and building up, empowerment and being real even if real was ugly. It’s been a year of chances, giving the benefit of the doubt, vulnerability, watching and observing, being on guard but not shut off, feeling but not being led by emotion. It’s been a year of promises coming to pass, fears being faced, bracing myself for the worst, preparing for the best, holding on for dear life, and jumping in the wind that I knew would carry me…

It’s been a year most prominent in intensity for me – feeling like I’m in a glass box of stars with my favorite song on with the volume on high. It’s not a glass box that restricts me, but allows me to be free and transparent; I’m dancing and in awe of everything I’m seeing and hearing, but no one else is there with me but the presence of God. I’m loving, grieving, aching so intensely… but surrounded in stars of peace. Everyone on the outside seeing me, connected to me, but disconnected from this intimate relationship I hold with the Lord – this personal, one on one connection I have with the Lord; that we all have or can have with the Lord. I’ve never felt so close to the Lord as I have this year and I’m so looking forward to seeing what God does in this year to come.

Continue to wreck me Lord, make me more like You.

I’ll Probably Return to Yelling

Some days I feel crazy… some days I wonder how other parents do it… some days I feel like I should be able to do it all and therefore I’m a failure…
 
Then days like today, I remember that I’m a mother of 7; my husband leaves at 7:30 on most days and doesn’t get home until 7:30 or later on most nights; I’ve only had a second vehicle for 2½ years out of the last 15; my free time consists of grocery shopping, laundry, late night visits with friends every once in a while, and going to church if I plan it well enough; and I’ve been pregnant, have nursing babies, and I’ve been wrestling with a fussy two year old for the last 14 years.
 
Free time through the day sporadically chat with family or friends and I educate myself on things I”m passionate about: I learn about self-care, research scripture, study up on communication and relationships, emotional health, child sexual abuse and how to recover from that, counseling training, and how to best homeschool and parent my children.
 
The rest of my day consists of training children from 6mos-14yo in the various needs each one has – emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical; trying to keep the house somewhat safe and clean not only so we can enjoy it but also out of self-cousciousness and what others might say about having so many children and not being able to be clean enough, in addition to trying to help my husband come home to less chaos after working 10+ hour days; trying not to yell, but yelling way more than I’d like; fitting in baths somewhere in our lives; while trying to be structured and on a schedule, eating at the same time every day and having a timely bedtime……
 
I think I’ve made my point. I’m not crazy but I sure do see why I feel that way. I am somehow doing all of this, though I still wonder how other parents make it look so easy. I can’t do it all, but thankfully I’m not just caring for little ones, I’m training them too so I do have help even though I have to follow everyone around kind of like a warden for it to happen. lol I’m failing daily at maintaining standards of hygiene in this culture, I’m failing daily at maintaining a level of neatness standards of hospitableness in this culture; I’m failing daily at speaking louder than what others deem kind…
 
What I’m not failing at though, is my mouth kisses boo-boos, smiles, and speaks words to guide, to build up, to train. My arms hug, comfort, soothe, and carry. My lap is filled with children of all ages – my youngest of 6mos finds safety there as well as my oldest of 14. None hesitate to come to me when they are in need of reassurance, encouragement, tenderness, and love. All have learned that they can trust me, be honest with me, share with me, and know they’ll be heard. My heart is full and love them, and they all know it.
 
So why do I feel crazy? Because I’m seeing myself through the eyes of those who don’t see the way we live our days instead of through the eyes of my Daddy, God who’s heart skips a beat at the sight of me; instead of through the eyes of my children who have such grace and love and see me for my heart and not as the world sees me. They hear our soft talks, they hear me teaching them how I’ve learned and how they will too, they hear that I fail but I don’t give up…
 
That… that is beauty. I love that.
 
And after I post this, I’ll probably return to yelling. Not because I accept it or think it’s okay or want to, but because I’m still growing and that’s the definition of not failing. That’s the definition of success. ❤

Struggling…

I’m struggling with emptiness today. Not sure if it’s withdrawals, boredom, or anxiety. I want to get out of the house and spend money. Unfortunately (and fortunately) our money is designated for the house so I need to be extra intentional about spending. SIGH I don’t even want to write…

I’m doing some reading… PTSD; Motherhood; Messy House; Do-Overs/Hard Days; Patience; Warrior; Daniel Fast; Lent; Life Journal

I signed up for the above devotionals in hopes to focus my mind on righteous things instead of dark places. While I did so, I began getting an idea in creating a devotional – one that correlates with my own journey. I’m not sure how… but figured I’d jot it down to note.

Thought Provoking

Hmm, just came across this from a journal entry that I wrote last year. Thought provoking!
 
“When we face our sin, we’re saved. When we receive the help from the Holy Spirit, communion is restored, and our eyes opened to the spiritual realm. When we die, that communion extends into eternity. However, if we face our sin and reject Christ and His salvation, we reject help from the Holy Spirit and we have no communion with the Lord, therefore when we die, communion continues to be void.”