The end of another year, and quite a year it’s been. It’s been wrought with risking it all, and doing it with bravery, vulnerability, raw and real emotion, and in complete trust and faith in God, even as I’ve wrestled through doubt and insecurity.
I’ve been challenged to be who I am in the midst of all the fears that the little girl inside me hold. I’ve been faced with choices of reckless abandon, and trusting that the Lord knows what He is walking me through. I’ve been faced with broadening my perspective to include the perspectives of others. I’ve been faced with humility and seeing where I’ve missed the mark. I’ve been faced with seeing the state of the nooks and crannies of my heart and allowing God to heal me in all those places. I’ve been faced with lies and accusations and I’ve stood up against them. I’ve been faced with manipulations, but I’ve stayed true to what I felt was right despite what the feelings it stirred within me.
This year was full of emotion – intense, sometimes overwhelming and all consuming emotion. I was faced with trusting the Lord in what I was led to do despite those emotions. In doing so, I saw all that God was doing with it, in me and in others, allowing the dead leaves to die with autumn and be buried under the snow so that new life can spring forth with the budding of spring. All the dead things in me, in those around me, breaking off as we allow our flesh and earthly desires to die, and we allow the Holy Spirit to lead us.
It’s been a year of restoration and healing, reconnection and building up, empowerment and being real even if real was ugly. It’s been a year of chances, giving the benefit of the doubt, vulnerability, watching and observing, being on guard but not shut off, feeling but not being led by emotion. It’s been a year of promises coming to pass, fears being faced, bracing myself for the worst, preparing for the best, holding on for dear life, and jumping in the wind that I knew would carry me…
It’s been a year most prominent in intensity for me – feeling like I’m in a glass box of stars with my favorite song on with the volume on high. It’s not a glass box that restricts me, but allows me to be free and transparent; I’m dancing and in awe of everything I’m seeing and hearing, but no one else is there with me but the presence of God. I’m loving, grieving, aching so intensely… but surrounded in stars of peace. Everyone on the outside seeing me, connected to me, but disconnected from this intimate relationship I hold with the Lord – this personal, one on one connection I have with the Lord; that we all have or can have with the Lord. I’ve never felt so close to the Lord as I have this year and I’m so looking forward to seeing what God does in this year to come.
Continue to wreck me Lord, make me more like You.
I’m struggling with emptiness today. Not sure if it’s withdrawals, boredom, or anxiety. I want to get out of the house and spend money. Unfortunately (and fortunately) our money is designated for the house so I need to be extra intentional about spending. SIGH I don’t even want to write…
I’m doing some reading… PTSD; Motherhood; Messy House; Do-Overs/Hard Days; Patience; Warrior; Daniel Fast; Lent; Life Journal
I signed up for the above devotionals in hopes to focus my mind on righteous things instead of dark places. While I did so, I began getting an idea in creating a devotional – one that correlates with my own journey. I’m not sure how… but figured I’d jot it down to note.