I’ll Probably Return to Yelling

Some days I feel crazy… some days I wonder how other parents do it… some days I feel like I should be able to do it all and therefore I’m a failure…
Then days like today, I remember that I’m a mother of 7; my husband leaves at 7:30 on most days and doesn’t get home until 7:30 or later on most nights; I’ve only had a second vehicle for 2½ years out of the last 15; my free time consists of grocery shopping, laundry, late night visits with friends every once in a while, and going to church if I plan it well enough; and I’ve been pregnant, have nursing babies, and I’ve been wrestling with a fussy two year old for the last 14 years.
Free time through the day sporadically chat with family or friends and I educate myself on things I”m passionate about: I learn about self-care, research scripture, study up on communication and relationships, emotional health, child sexual abuse and how to recover from that, counseling training, and how to best homeschool and parent my children.
The rest of my day consists of training children from 6mos-14yo in the various needs each one has – emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical; trying to keep the house somewhat safe and clean not only so we can enjoy it but also out of self-cousciousness and what others might say about having so many children and not being able to be clean enough, in addition to trying to help my husband come home to less chaos after working 10+ hour days; trying not to yell, but yelling way more than I’d like; fitting in baths somewhere in our lives; while trying to be structured and on a schedule, eating at the same time every day and having a timely bedtime……
I think I’ve made my point. I’m not crazy but I sure do see why I feel that way. I am somehow doing all of this, though I still wonder how other parents make it look so easy. I can’t do it all, but thankfully I’m not just caring for little ones, I’m training them too so I do have help even though I have to follow everyone around kind of like a warden for it to happen. lol I’m failing daily at maintaining standards of hygiene in this culture, I’m failing daily at maintaining a level of neatness standards of hospitableness in this culture; I’m failing daily at speaking louder than what others deem kind…
What I’m not failing at though, is my mouth kisses boo-boos, smiles, and speaks words to guide, to build up, to train. My arms hug, comfort, soothe, and carry. My lap is filled with children of all ages – my youngest of 6mos finds safety there as well as my oldest of 14. None hesitate to come to me when they are in need of reassurance, encouragement, tenderness, and love. All have learned that they can trust me, be honest with me, share with me, and know they’ll be heard. My heart is full and love them, and they all know it.
So why do I feel crazy? Because I’m seeing myself through the eyes of those who don’t see the way we live our days instead of through the eyes of my Daddy, God who’s heart skips a beat at the sight of me; instead of through the eyes of my children who have such grace and love and see me for my heart and not as the world sees me. They hear our soft talks, they hear me teaching them how I’ve learned and how they will too, they hear that I fail but I don’t give up…
That… that is beauty. I love that.
And after I post this, I’ll probably return to yelling. Not because I accept it or think it’s okay or want to, but because I’m still growing and that’s the definition of not failing. That’s the definition of success. ❤

Thought Provoking

Hmm, just came across this from a journal entry that I wrote last year. Thought provoking!
“When we face our sin, we’re saved. When we receive the help from the Holy Spirit, communion is restored, and our eyes opened to the spiritual realm. When we die, that communion extends into eternity. However, if we face our sin and reject Christ and His salvation, we reject help from the Holy Spirit and we have no communion with the Lord, therefore when we die, communion continues to be void.”

Let’s Be Different Than the Haters

So I don’t usually talk politics. I have my viewpoints and I don’t want to create any tension with those I love. I am just really struggling with some of the things I’m seeing in the media so I hope my friends read this, knowing my heart and my love for people.  I’m not ‘YAY Trump’ or anything… I don’t agree with a lot of his politics and views or how he communicates.  However, I don’t see what in this latest press conference regarding Charlottesville screams that he supports racism/slavery (please watch it now if you haven’t seen it in full – don’t wait until you’re done with this blog entry, simply because I hope what I have to say will cover all the annoyance you will be feeling lol).

What I saw was that he said there were violent protesters on both sides and peaceful protesters on both sides. He didn’t say Nazi’s and White Supremacists were good people and he said the people showing up in black clothes with bats in their hands were ‘bad’. He called the woman who died an incredible woman and the man who killed her, a murderer. I mean… he repeated himself 3546875154 unnecessary and obnoxious times, so I don’t understand why this is being said about him with this particular conference?

I’m not saying he’s not frustrating to listen to and arrogant; he talks about his money, property, and how great he is a lot and it’s annoying… I just don’t get why the snippet of the conference, out of context of what he’s saying, that leaves out the part where he specifically clarifies that he’s not supporting Nazi’s and White supremacists, declaring him as hateful and racist for saying there were *some* violent people on the side of those who wanted the statue to come down as well as *some* peaceful people on those protesting the statue coming down.  I guess I feel like the guy has enough issues without having to twist something out of context to make an example of it. I don’t understand.

Just to make it clear, I am pro-life: black lives matter, I hear their cry to be seen and heard, and empathize with their need for love, compassion, and support; I cry for the babies who have been aborted; I mourn for the children abandoned; I grieve with those who’ve endured abuse; I rally with men and women overcoming trauma; and I stand up for those who need a helping hand and who struggle with standing up for themselves. I am anti-slavery, racism, violence, and hate. I believe all people deserve respect, no matter how different our views are. I believe each of us and our own personal journey’s matter and that we all have a basic human need and right to be heard and loved.

I don’t support Nazi’s or White supremacists. I don’t support black people murdering white people. I don’t support those who agree with slavery. I also see how our history lifts up people who did support slavery… it was sadly, a cultural norm at one point, so there are those historical figures who had slaves.  I do recognize however that as culture shifted, and the norm changed, that black men and women who have made a historical impact on our nation have also been recognized as they should be! It shows how we can learn, grow, be enlightened, and ultimately make changes in a huge way.  Both realities matter! Where we were and what we were brought through to get to where we are reveals the power we all have to make a change.

For some perspective on what I’m saying.  I don’t agree with abortion. It grieves me to know millions of children have not lived their lives due to this act of violence done against them… however, it’s a cultural norm. I’m seen as the odd one and non-progressive for that viewpoint.  I’m seen as perhaps one might also view a slave owner, as though I’m oppressive to women in some way because I care for the lives of these children.  However, you will not find me protesting the statues that our culture puts up as a mark of our history, revering and promoting the abortion industry. Why? Because it doesn’t change hearts. It’s my heart, that someday, people will begin to see the lives of the unborn as valuable and precious. As valuable and precious as the women carrying them in their womb.  I stand for them both.

If there comes a day that our culture shifts, and we all agree that the lives of the unborn are sacred, we will see in our history, a culture who celebrated abortion, that was brought through to get to a place that celebrated LIFE.

Much like I am looking forward to the day where we celebrate life, and how these little people impact our lives and the lives around us, where we see the opportunity to sacrifice a selfishness inside of us to love and cherish a vulnerable, fragile, and beautiful creature that offers an unconditional love in return, a love that changes our insides straight to the core, and that wrecks our perception of everything we ever thought was important… as much as I am looking forward to that day, I am also looking forward to the day we celebrate variations of skin color, that we see the beauty in people and how our differences help us learn, grow, and inspire. That we’d see all violence as wrong and not justify it.  That we stand for kindness and stand for historical change, but not try to erase what’s brought us to where we’re going: because it’s in seeing it in our history that we learn the importance of why we should never go back!

I hope whomever has read this far has heard my heart… I’m not a Trump supporter. I also wasn’t a Bush or Obama supporter. I want God’s best offer for our country and I have had to settle for the presidents we’ve had since being old enough to vote.  I see good in all of our presidents but I don’t agree with everything they’ve done. Ultimately, I see them for what they were and seek to impact change in the small part of the world I’m a part of. If we all do that, through love and respectful communication, I believe we can make a difference. Violence won’t; focusing on the violent and grouping the peaceful with them as though they too are violent, won’t; nor will ignoring the violent and grouping them together with those who are peaceful as though they all were peaceful.

I hope whomever has read this far sees what I’m saying in context… in context of who I am as a person, in the entirety of my views, affections, and character, and with the compassion I have for those who so desperately want to be heard.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, but I respectfully request that you be kind. This is a hot topic for sure, and I want your thoughts heard, but I also would like to be spoken to appropriately about it. Love and kindness, honor and respect, start with at least two people. Communication and dialogue clears the path for insight, understanding, and perspective. Let’s be different than the haters. Thanks for reading. 🙂

Hold on to me…

A baby
placed into your life,
Vulnerability and defenselessness
The purest form,
You wouldn’t give
You only took
She was there
Bare and begging
Empty and alone
He broke her
He stripped her
She lost herself
He ruined her
You did nothing.

You were blind
Pretending you could see
You saw
And did nothing.
You heard her cries
Your own needs
They screamed louder
You turned away
You never looked back
And when she was gone
You pointed your finger
She was the pain

How could you?
She stayed quiet
That wasn’t enough.
She sought you out
You regretted nothing.
She spoke the words
That pissed you off.
You blamed the darkness
You learned nothing.
You shut her down
She walked off.

She was unsteady
She was unsure
You yelled at her
Trust her?
You couldn’t.
Look at her.
Just look at her.
You said it.
You didn’t get the emotion.
You scared her…
She just wanted love.

Hold her…
She wanted you to touch her.
Love her…
She wanted to be special.
Kiss her…
She wanted to be loved.
He did…
He stole from her
Your love… was replaced
By trickery and confusion
You mocked her
You punched her with your words
She was broken
And you stepped on her pieces

You had peace
But where was hers.
You forgave yourself
But never showed her
You moved on
You left her
She was wounded
And you were gone.

Daddy, your daughter needed you.
Mama, I was all alone.
Our house never felt like home.
I needed you to be there
I was shaken and alone
You moved on.
Mother you hated him
It was all you could see
But I was there
Wishing you’d come to me
Father, you weren’t there
You abandoned us all
You left me scared.

Move on.
But you haven’t.

You’re still putting your responsibility on me.
Sitting in silence
As if you don’t know.

He disrespected, deceived, and confused me
Now you do the same.

Don’t you see?
Don’t you see me?
Don’t you see what you’re doing?

Blame me…
I won’t apologize for reacting to what you’ve done.
This isn’t about the past.
This is about today.

You were never there…
and you’re still not.

Your words hurt me then.
Now your lack of them hurts me…

Say something.

Say the right thing.

And mean it.

Being Who I am…

I’m sitting here, listening to Karyn talk to herself as she plays… she’s so imaginative and creative, with so much enthusiasm… and Christopher just started talking to himself too… he’s sitting next to her and playing with his Mario toys, making them excitedly do math… neither of them are hesitant, embarrassed, hiding behind what is or isn’t cool or socially acceptable…

I’m so thankful for that…

I still remember, over 20 years later, when I made my stuffed animals talk to each other as I played by myself and someone coming up behind me and laughing at me. Poking fun at me that I was talking to myself. For all I know, they thought I was cute… but the impact left me embarrassed and paranoid that I was immature. I was just a kid being a kid, and I was embarrassed that I was being weird and different.

It’s spilled over into other areas of my life… how I clean my house, how I dress, how I walk to my vehicle or down the road or across a parking lot… it led me to stop wearing ski pants to go sledding because it made me look like a kid…

but I was a kid…

I’m so glad my kids are being kids and feel free within that realm of their childhood. They aren’t thinking about being kids… they just are.

I want to be that type of woman… not thinking about being who I am… just being who I am.