I Found Him There…

One of the most awe striking things about God that I continually face is how I can walk through difficult times and in the midst of my eyes dim with grief, He opens them. Time and time again…

Words can’t even express the fullness of gratitude I have that He walks with me through this life, and never leaves me to face it alone. As I have worked through the pain of what I had endured and worked to find who I am in Him, His presence consuming my heart, He provides such overwhelming peace. I am truly overwhelmed by Him and His glory.

This song by Ellie Holcomb, “Find You Here” penetrated my heart and the truth in it caused me to weep as I recalled the darker times and how He was drawing near each time. I just had to share it. I hope it blesses you too.

Lyrics: [Verse 1]
It’s not the news that any of us hoped that we would hear
It’s not the road we would have chosen, no
The only thing that we can see is darkness up ahead
But You’re asking us to lay our worry down and sing a song instead

And I didn’t know I’d find You here
In the middle of my deepest fear, but
You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me, with peace

So I’ll lift my voice and sing
You’re gonna carry us through everything
You are drawing near
You’re overwhelming all my fears, with peace

[Verse 2]
You say that I should come to You with everything I need
You’re asking me to thank You even when the pain is deep
You promise that You’ll come and meet us on the road ahead
And no matter what the fear says, You give me a reason to be glad

And I didn’t know I’ld find You here
In the middle of my deepest fear, but
You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me, with peace

So I’ll lift my voice and sing
You’re gonna carry me through everything
You are drawing near
You’re overwhelming all my fear

Here in the middle of the lonely night
Here in the middle of the losing fight, You’re
Here in the middle of the deep regret
Here when the healing hasn’t happened yet

Here in the middle of the desert place
Here in the middle when I cannot see Your face
Here in the middle with Your outstretched arms
You can see my pain and it breaks Your heart

And I didn’t know I’d find You here
In the middle of my deepest fear, but
You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me with, peace

So I’ll lift my voice and sing
You’re gonna carry me through everything
You are drawing near
You’re overwhelming all my fear with peace

Rejoice, rejoice
Don’t have to worry ’bout a single thing, ’cause
You are overwhelming me with, peace!

Don’t have to worry ’bout a single thing
You’re gonna carry us through everything
Overwhelming peace …

Trauma and Education

I was checking out a diagnostics test that I’ll be giving the kids to determine where there are gaps in their education (which is awesome btw, you should check it out: Accelerated Christian Education – the diagnostics test is free and each book is $2.70). It was interesting to see where the info being taught to me stopped sticking. I remember distinctly struggling in my 8th grade year and I was sent to a special class where I received one on one support. Once I left there, I had gone from basic math to jumping up to algebra. However, moving forward, once I returned to the class setting, as it shows in the diagnostics test, that’s where the information stopped clicking. I remembered learning about the problems I went through, recall the friends I was sitting with and the teacher I worked with through the math problems and I remember getting good test scores… but apparently, the concepts weren’t registering in my brain for the long-term. I could not remember how to solve any of the math work from my high school years. It stopped after basic algebra.

When I saw the test, I began to process what was going on during that time and my mind was blown when I realized it was at the same time I was being sexually assaulted. As I entered into 8th grade, I had begun to babysit and the grooming had begun. At some point, the trauma reached a point that it was impeding in my ability to absorb what I was learning… and it never improved. To this day, I struggle with class-type settings and my learning style is much more intimate in nature.

This was a huge realization for me, though I already had the thought that my trauma likely effected my learning ability, because it confirmed this thought. Friends, consider this with your own children. If they’ve experienced any sort of trauma, they likely wouldn’t know that their ability to focus, absorb, and understand concepts had been disrupted in a long term way.

Now, to discover how to work to allow God to restore that part of my mind that adapted to my situation to survive what was happening to me… ♥♥♥

I Believe

In January 2005, 12 years ago, the Lord spoke to me through my father in-law. He said, ‘just believe.’ I didn’t understand. I had nothing I was obviously struggling with at the time and I told him I’d tuck it away and note it for a later date should it make sense for something the Lord planned to show me.

A few weeks later, I was in the throws of deep anxiety and had isolated myself from everyone. I wasn’t connecting with friends, I wasn’t going outside, and I was spending most of my time feeling apathetic and hiding behind the closed curtains in my home. It was a dark time for me but in my despondent state, I pulled out my Bible and told God I didn’t care anymore and I just needed a little reprieve. His answer? The story of the lame man at the gate called Beautiful in Acts 3.

As I read through the miraculous healing of this man who couldn’t walk and was carried to this gate each day to beg for money. As Peter and John walked on, they offered them what they had, reaching out his hand, Peter pulled him to his feet and declared in the name of Jesus for him to walk… and so he did. Immediately. No physical therapy or stretching; the man began to dance! He walked, he leaped, and he praised the Lord. I felt the Lord speak to me that He was doing the same for me… I wanted to think that could happen for me, and remembered what my father in-law said. I needed to ‘just believe.’ I wanted to just believe.

A week later, I read another story in my reading plan of a man who was healed and he jumped up and walked in Acts 14. I still wanted to just believe and I began saying it was so. I was healed and I would not be convinced that I wasn’t. A couple weeks later, I read the story of the synagogue ruler in Mark 5 that Jesus said, “Do not be afraid; just believe.” and I was adamant to not be afraid – I would boldly walk out of the familiar and comfortable to the uncertain, uncomfortable, and yet profound healing that God was speaking over me. I asked Him to help me believe!

A week following that, I read the story about the boy’s father who cried out to Jesus in Mark 9 and He said, “‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.” The father realized his doubt and asked God to help him overcome his unbelief and I agreed with that prayer. I wanted to ‘just believe.’ as my father in-law had said. A week later I read of the centurion and the words spoken by Jesus, “‘Go! Let it be done just as you believed it would.’ And his servant was healed at that moment.”  

I believed that March day of 2005 and the journey over these last 12 years has been to continue to fight the lies trying to cause me to doubt the healing that took place. I was healed. I am healed. I stand firmly in that victory. I believed Him then. I believe Him now. I am healed. ♥

Entry One: “The Renewal of Your Mind”

Last night I joined some friends for “Mom’s Night Out” and what I walked away with is something that I’m already seeing the fruit from and I’m really excited about! Truth Journaling. It’s a method of journaling where you write out what you’re working through, feeling, struggling with, or whatever and you number each thought and change whatever is a lie or a partial-truth and replace it with the truth. I didn’t really know where to start because I was in a tough place emotionally but didn’t really know how to put words to it… so I just started writing about how I didn’t know what to say until the rest just kinda spilled out of me.
As I worked through the emotions, I saw that I believed I was feeling led by my emotions, feeling overwhelmed, that I didn’t know what to do about my feelings, and that I just wanted to go to sleep. After I numbered each thought, I began to address the truth. What does God say about that? What is the reality that I’m actually in… and the answers were both affirming and revolutionary, and the physical response to those feelings began to ease as I saw the truth. I began to see the fruit of transformation by simply acknowledging the truth.
It was such a huge moment for me. Often it takes an hour, a couple days, a couple weeks, sometimes even longer than that depending on what it is I am addressing, to process through my feelings and how it effects me both physically and mentally… and in this process, I jumped right to addressing what was true and what was false, and my mind was renewed and I felt completely at peace that things were going to be okay.
I wanted to share this with my friends because I know I’m not the only one who feels overwhelmed with life some(most)times. I know I’m not the only one who is searching for a ways to overcome and stand in the truth that we’re victorious but struggle to walk out. I know I’m not the only one who has the desire for change and just needed some tools to start making the changes.
That being said, I wanted to share my first journal entry because I personally can grasp concepts more easily when I see them in action so I wanted to provide that for someone else interested in it. I’ll include the link to the woman’s blog at the end of this entry for anyone interested in learning more about this method. I hope this helps anyone interested and searching for some tools to work more deeply towards personal healing and spiritual growth.
My entry:
I’m not really sure where to start so I’m just going to start writing and see where it leads. I keep making emotionally led decisions and I want to lead my emotions, not the other way around. I feel overwhelmed with the kids and overwhelmed with life in general. I don’t know how to get to a healthy place. All I really want to do is sleep and be somewhere else.
Breaking it down by thoughts:
1: I keep making emotionally led decisions and
2: I want to lead my emotions, not the other way around.
3: I feel overwhelmed with the kids and
4: overwhelmed with life in general.
5: I don’t know how to get to a healthy place.
6: All I really want to do is sleep and be somewhere else.
Replacing any half-truths/lies with the truth: 
1: The truth is, I don’t keep making emotionally led decisions. Despite wanting to run away sometimes, I don’t run away. I’m here. Despite wanting to avoid everything, I don’t. I’m here. I’m not doing everything right, but I’m here with my family and I’m loving on them.
2: I do want to lead my emotions, and I am doing well to do that despite the feelings I have. I am not led by my emotions.
3: While I might feel overwhelmed, I’m not overwhelmed. To be overwhelmed is to be buried or drowned beneath a huge mass. I am not buried in my sin or struggle. I was buried with Christ and rose from the grave. I am victorious in the Lord and I am an overcomer.
4: I am not overwhelmed with life in general. I have so much to be thankful for. I have wonderful friends, I’m best friends with my husband, my children have amazing big hearts, we’re warm and well fed, and I know God is with me where ever I am.
5: I do know how to get to a healthy place: God’s tools through renewing my mind with His truth. This exercise is the tool I can use to do that.
6: What I truly want is God’s peace in the midst of my life. I want my children to have a joyful life and a healthy mom. I want to be right here and I want to be awake and not miss these precious moments and opportunities to be a friend and guide for my family.

Nine Years of Blogging

Nine years ago I started blogging. I began journaling four years before that, but truly, ever since I was a teenager I’ve found writing to be an easier way of expressing my thoughts. I’ve gotten better at communicating, but with PTSD and anxiety, I found myself unable to put all my thoughts in order.

I often described my mind like alphabet soup, except with words. I felt like I had to fish for what I was thinking in a sea of thoughts. When I was upset or hurting or angry, I would have to pull out thoughts and work through process of elimination to figure out why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I had no idea that I was dealing with PTSD or anxiety, and for the longest time I believed I was over-sensitive, over-emotional, and emotionally erratic, and I felt ashamed for it. Words can’t express how freeing it is to know I’m not those things and to find strength in the truth of who I really am.

Once I found blogging, it just felt like a fit. I enjoy typing and I can type much faster than I can write. When I began to blog, I felt like I could share what I was working through, so if one other person was interested with what I was learning or could relate in some way, than God could use it all for His glory and for the good of His children.

I found order to my thoughts, and once I found order to my thoughts, I could put the pieces together to find the truth. I’m thankful to be on the continued search of truth after living with so many lies that I’d been believing. I still deal with the PTSD and anxiety when circumstances that somehow remind my mind of my trauma, trigger a physical response, but knowing what it is I’m working through has helped in such a huge way.

When you’ve been convinced that you could become mentally ill at any moment, you believe everything is a sign that you’re crazy. So to realize I’m not crazy, but that my body is responding to the traumas that I experienced in my past, means everything.

Nine years of growing and learning, and I still am on that journey of healing and learning the truth, but I can see all the amazing things God has done so far; and I’m excited to see what other great things He is doing as He brings me through. ♥

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

Word: Good News

“How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to Zion, ‘Your God reigns.'” Isaiah 52:7

“And the angel answered him, “I am Gabriel. I stand in the presence of God, and I was sent to speak to you and to bring you this good news.” Luke 1:19

Hebrew: 2895. tob
Original Word: בָּשַׂר
Phonetic Spelling: (baw-sar’)
Definition: news; bear good news; proclaim good tidings

Greek: 2097. euaggelizó
Original Word: εὐαγγελίζω
Phonetic Spelling: (yoo-ang-ghel-id’-zo)
Definition: bring good news, preach good tidings, with or without an object, expressing either the persons who receive the good news or the good news itself (the good news being sometimes expressed as a person).

Websters Dictionary 1828 – Online Edition
TI’DINGS, noun plural News; advice; information; intelligence; account of what has taken place, and was not before known.